BRAINSTORMING MYTHS

Why Brainstorming Sucks (And How to Fix It)
By Mark Henricks | April 15, 2011

http://www.bnet.com/blog/business-myths/why-brainstorming-sucks-and-how-to-fix-it/947?promo=713&tag=nl.e713

The typical business brainstorming session consists of a bunch of people thrown together in a room and exhorted to “Think outside the box!” and “Rule nothing out!” Why this remains standard procedure is a mystery, since few brainstorming exercises of this sort yield much of value, and the problems with the conventional approach are well known.

If you want to do brainstorming right, discard the widely believed myths and go with the proven approaches. For instance:

Myth: The more ideas, the better. A superior approach is to think: “The more better ideas, the better.” When brainstorming is too open to any and all ideas, and every idea is at least initially treated as equal, too many proposals are completely useless because they lie outside the organization’s capabilities or limits. McKinsey & Co. describes a process called “brainsteering” in which some pre-set parameters — ideas have to cost less than $5,000, say, or generate quick payback — help idea-generators come up with feasible proposals, rather than concepts that are so far outside the box that they’re useless.

Myth: A group of people working together can come up with better ideas than one person. Numerous studies support the opposite contention. A 2010 article in The Journal of Creative Behavior reports a typical finding: “Groups of individuals generating ideas in isolation (nominal groups) generated more ideas and more original ideas and were more likely to select original ideas during the group decision phase than interactive group brainstormers.” One way to do nominal group brainstorming is to have participants come up with ideas on their own before the group session. Alternately, give each person in the session a piece of paper on which to write down ideas, without input from others, before subjecting them to discussion.

Myth: The best ideas naturally float to the top when discussion and evaluation is open, free-ranging, and unrestricted. Wide-open brainstorming sessions have many problems, beginning with the fact that talkative, dominating people tend to drown out quieter ones, whether or not the wallflowers’ ideas are better. Get around this with round-robin brainstorming. This approach poses a question to the group, after which each member has a chance to bring up his or her suggestions without comment or interruption from the others. A scribe is assigned to write down each person’s thoughts. Only after everyone has been heard from is the floor thrown open to talk generally about each idea.

In some respects, a business is like a machine that takes ideas dumped into the top and turns them into money that comes out the bottom. To the extent that’s valid, how well your business does is a function of how good your ideas are. Discarding myths about brainstorming and doing this venerable creative process right will go far to improve the raw material you’re using to create profit.

Mark Henricks has reported on business, technology and other topics for The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Entrepreneur, and other leading publications long enough to lay somewhat legitimate claim to being The Article Authority. Follow him on Twitter @bizmyths.

Image courtesy of Flickr user Reckless Dream Photography, CC2.0

MY THOUGHTS

It's always a good idea to listen to people. However, I agree that a disccussion that is too free-wheeling may probably not produce valuable results. I've learned that no-holds barred brainstorming is useful only as an exercise in workshops where you try to develop the communication skills of participants. In reality, companies do not have time to spare for brainstorming dicussions that have no boundaries. If you have the right people in your brainstorming team, then a well-guided (and led) brainstorming session may be well worth the time, energy and money. Be sure to have these people on board:

• people who know how to listen and speak when it's necessary and proper to do so

• people who will not shot down ideas simply because it's not their own

• people who value time and will not waste it by coming up with hare-brained ideas that are too way off

• people who respect other people and are flexible enough to change their own opinion for a better one

FIX COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN

How to Fix a Communication Breakdown
By Daniel L. Shapiro
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Daniel L. Shapiro, PhD, is a renowned negotiation expert who works to solve international conflicts using the psychology of emotions. Your problems may not threaten world peace, but he has some ideas for you, too.


Help! After a fight, you and your spouse are no longer speaking. First, ask yourself: "What's my purpose here? To feel empowered? To get respect? To let "that moron" know I'm angry?" Then ask, "Is the silent treatment really going to get me there?" Once you're ready to talk, be respectful; instead of "I'm ready, let's talk," try "I'd like to understand you better; let me know when you're ready to talk." The best advice, though, is to do what nations do—establish rules of engagement in advance. Over a glass of wine, take 20 minutes to set some parameters: What does a good fight look like? How can you work to understand, not defend? Just keep in mind that you're supposed to be collaborating. No point in fighting about how to fight.

Help! A colleague leaves you off an important e-mail at work. Then your boss wants an update on a project you never heard of. How do you get in the loop? People often worry about things happening behind their back at work. But instead of giving in to paranoia, start a conversation about roles. Ask your boss, "What are my responsibilities? What decisions should I be involved in? How do I ensure that I get the information I need to do what I'm expected to?" These are questions you can ask in a neutral and safe way. Also ask, "Is there any advice you can give that would prevent this from happening again?" If anyone is out to sabotage you, this will make clear that you're not willing to go along with that dynamic.

Help! Your friend loves complaining to you but never asks how you're doing. How do you stop being the designated Dumpster? Chances are, you pick up the phone and—boom!—she talks, you listen. So at the beginning of your next chat, establish a new structure. Say, "Hey, it's great to hear from you. I have about 30 minutes, and there's a lot I'd like to catch you up on. Maybe we can each take 15 minutes to tell each other what's going on." You can also raise the issue directly: "I value our relationship, and I want to be there to listen. I just sometimes feel that it's harder for me to share with you. Do you have suggestions about how to do that?" This way, you're not accusing; you're inviting help.

This story is part of O's Live Your Best Year Toolkit

MY THOUGHTS

so, if you're having problems communicating with anyone, fix it. and fix it fast. problems like this have a way of escalating. sometimes ever so slowly you don't even notice. until it becomes too difficult to fix.

FIXING YOUR GRAMMAR

How to Fix Your Grammar
By Barbara Wallraff
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Good English sounds smart, and every one of us could stand to sound a bit smarter.

Just ask the president. A year ago he had trouble with I and me, saying things like "President Bush graciously invited Michelle and I...." But someone clarified this point of language for him: Whichever word you'd use if you were the only person involved (as in "President Bush graciously invited me") is the word you should use when someone else is, too. More tips:

"It's" So Easy

On paper many people are tripped up by it's versus its. The apostrophe in it's ("it is"), just like the one in we're ("we are") or I'm ("I am"), is standing in for a missing letter, in this case the i in is. That is its role. As opposed to: "That is it's role." Which would mean "That is it is role." Which in fact means nothing.

Beware the "Literal" Agenda

A literal-minded person lacks imagination. So does a "literal" expression: It means exactly what it says. So if you tell someone, "I'd kill to have your job—literally," watch out! You've just made a death threat.

That's Repetitive. And Redundant!

A sentence that starts with "The reason is" shouldn't continue with "because." "The reason" has already done all the work, leaving nothing for "because" to do. Other notorious wastes of words: "I thought to myself" (who else would you think to?), "advance reservations" (yep, that's when they're made), and "I am busy at this time" (but not so busy that you didn't have time for three useless words).

This story is part of O's Live Your Best Year Toolkit


MY THOUGHTS

some articles make me laugh - literally! hey, i'm not making fun of people who need to go back to school for grammar lessons. sometimes, i feel i need to take those lessons myself.

i'm not a good writer. sure i know how to 'dot the i's' and 'cross the t's". but i get so confused with "to","at", "in", "on". you know what i mean.

i didn't even know i have this problem. until one fine day. i took an online english test (no, not the jobstreet test - i'm still not confident enough to take that one!). so, going back online, there i was, armed with nothing but my 'pride'. i started taking the awful test! the first question wasn't that bad. the second, even the third - no sweat! when i got to the 4th test item, that's when i started thinking - "i am no better "than a third grader'!!!

but i wanted to pass the test. so, i went to my third grade teacher. nope, she wasn't online. she's from the 'typewriter generation' and looks at a computer with pure dismay. and she's my mom. she (my mom) passed the test with flying colors!!! in my name, of course! if you don't call that cheating, then i don't know what is.

i thought it was funny. for a while. then i realized i have to do something. i may not be a good writer but writing is part and parcel of my life- at work and at home. i decided to brush up and get over my grammar issues.

so, i went back to reading. (advice of my third grade teacher). not speed reading. pure unadulterated (had to check with collins for this one) reading- really taking note of how sentences are constructed, how words are spelled, how conjunctions are used. and i got reacquainted with the dictionary - looking up words i cannot understand, checking spelling and how certain words are pronounced. i'm still learning. it's a process. i suppose, it's a process that should never end. or i would really need to go back to third grade.

dear reader, don't get me wrong. i'm not advising you to do the same (although i'm hoping you would). i made the mistake of giving this unsolicited advice years ago - to an idiot (sorry - venting!venting!). the issue got so blown out of proportion it reached the office of the CEO. i could have killed the &*^%$# girl!!! (venting again). the nerve!!! and she didn't even know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. (sorry again - bitching this time!)

i so wanted to slap her - with the dictionary (and the thesaurus - which she cannot even pronounce!!!- forgive me! the memory makes may blood boil). fortunately, only a bible was at hand. i was reminded - i'm a Christian. a work in progress. but a Christian, nevertheless.

HOW TO BREAK THE ICE

How to Break the Ice
By Daniel Menaker
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Hello, how are you, my name is...then what? From Daniel Menaker— editor, writer, conversationalist extraordinaire—a few words on how to talk the talk.

I think it was a famous city planner who said that if you build a statue or a sculpture or some similar object and put it on the sidewalk, you will often find several people looking at it and talking to each other about it, even if they don't know each other. The object is a perfect conversation starter. So I have developed a theory—the theory of the third—which says that neither person should start a conversation by talking about himself or the other person directly. Instead, you have to find a third subject, a third person, or an object to begin the conversation around.

I had a perfect example the other night. I was doing a crossword puzzle while waiting in line for a movie, and this guy next to me, whom I didn't know, said, "Well, you're four days late," because it was the Sunday crossword and this was a Thursday. And of course, even though he was commenting on something I was doing, it wasn't a question about me. It wasn't invasive—"What do you do?" "Who are you?" "What's your name?" It was something in between that we could converse about. At the same time, this guy was a little impudent—he was looking over my shoulder—and I liked that, too, but the fact is, he wasn't commenting on what I was wearing or really on anything about me. And because he just talked about the puzzle, it led to a conversation.

The theory of the third explains why the weather is such a common resort. Unfortunately, it's so common as to be clichéd, but at least it's an attempt at neutrality—like commenting on the interesting color of the wall you're standing next to. And that's the best way to start a conversation, with an attempt at neutrality. This sounds like lame advice, but it's not. What you're saying is "I'm not going to invade your privacy, and you're not going to invade mine. We'll test each other out by talking about something that seems inconsequential and see if we want to deepen this a bit."

Now, in terms of ending a conversation, I had an aunt who was a Quaker, and she and my uncle used to have people over for dinner, and sometimes when the guests got up to leave, they would trail on and on and on and just keep talking—until my aunt, who was a terrifically nice, cherubic person, would finally say, "Thee may go, or thee may stay, but don't ooze."

And by the way, the guy from the movie line? We're going to have lunch.

This story is part of O's Live Your Best Year Toolkit

MY THOUGHTS

small talk! it's hard enough to do with acquaintances. it's so much easier to do with stRangers. i like this "theory of the third". but there's still an issue of 'chemistry'. you can babble all you can about every imaginable topic. if there's no chemistry, you won't get beyond that first encounter.

JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT

JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT
from the article "Just Say What You Want, Dammit!"
How to Speak Up
By Ellen Tien
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the September 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Hanging back, dropping hints, and generally mousing around gets you nowhere and drives other people nuts. Here's what you should do instead.

"I want my husband to have more sex with me," a girlfriend remarks at lunch. "I feel like he rarely initiates it, and I want to do it more often."

"Did you tell him how you feel?" I ask, after the waiters have administered strong smelling salts and propped me back in my chair. "Don't you think that the first step might be saying that to him instead of me?"

"Honestly, I could never," she responds. "He would assume I was dissatisfied or accuse me of being a nag. But I've been buying lots of silk lingerie and sheer little nighties and making sure I look my best at bedtime, hoping to pique his interest. Besides, it's not like I necessarily want to have more sex per se, I just want him to want me to."

Right. So, she wants sex, but she doesn't want it. She merely wants her husband to want it so she can get what she wants—which, perversely, is something she doesn't particularly want. Wouldn't it cost less, both in mental and actual currency, if she were to sit out the dance, look him plain in the eye, and speak her mind? Why can't she say what she wants?

She's afraid that people will label her needy, bitchy, clingy, whiny. In other words, wanty. Wanty (known in Italy as volere, on New York's shrink-saturated Upper West Side as the id) is the hobgoblin who scrambles the signals so that wanting becomes a bad thing instead of a way to move forward. His cohorts are guilt and denial; his ace up the sleeve is fear of rejection.

What if I look stupid?

What if the answer is no?

What if, what if? So goes Wanty's refrain.

Wanty should not be confused with pure Want. Pure Want is the essence of living. It's the human condition, the slender quill that pricks the sectors of the soul, stimulating yearning or envy, desire or desperation. Nor should Wanty be mistaken for his cousin, Wishy, who pines for a more unattainable horizon and subsists on fountains glutted with coins, birthday candles, and the sternum bones of most poultry. Incidentally—spoiler alert—whoever grasps the wishbone higher up toward the joint will always win.

Wanty looks daggers at Wish and Want and shames them into silence. He flicks open the refrigerator door and slams it shut, thumbs through your credit card statements reproachfully, reaches out and shakes up your mind, juddering friendly old desires into unrecognizable enemies.

Do we even allow ourselves to know what we want?

"Where should we go for dinner?" I ask my husband.

"Wherever you want," he says.

I suggest a nice barbecue place around the corner. No, he says, he doesn't feel like barbecue. Chinese? No, he had Chinese food for lunch. Italian? No, too heavy. Thai? Too much like Chinese. Where, then, I repeat, does he want to go for dinner?

"I dunno. Wherever you want."

Kill me now.

Ellen Tien writes for the Styles section of The New York Times.

MY THOUGHTS

don't you just hate it when you get into conversations like this one? it get's tiring to be asked often - 'what do you want to eat", "where do you want to go?, "what movie do you want to see?", "what gift do you want me to get you?". hello?

i like being asked. but i prefer "would you like to see 'king's speech?".or "you want to eat pasta?"

KNOW WHEN TO SHUT UP

When to Speak Up...and When to Shut Up
By Dr. Peter D. Kramer
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the December 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Of all the advice that has drifted from psychotherapists' offices into couples' daily lives, the most overworked—and, I suspect, the most destructive—is the injunction to communicate. Be open, be honest, speak your mind, demand to be heard...well, yes, sometimes, maybe—if simple misunderstandings are at the root of your frustrations.

But how often, really, does one partner have no notion what's on the other's mind? When I evaluate a couple, it's not at all unusual for them to cite "communication" as a problem: "He'll say anything—he has no notion how he undermines me."

Rarely is the impasse caused by lack of information. Think how hard it is to keep a secret in an intimate relationship. But it is common for thoughtless speech to stir up discord. There may even be instances where silence is, as advertised, golden.

I am thinking of a story a husband told me in praise of his wife. He had come home on a Friday griping about his job. The managers were ratcheting up the pressure, and now an immediate supervisor was hinting that a promised promotion might not come through. His wife looked annoyed, but instead of speaking her mind, she puttered and listened and offered vague encouragement. On Saturday, she said, "About that supervisor—" And the husband interrupted: "I know. I'm going to have to confront him or go over his head."

"She could have laid it out for me the night before," the man told me. "She may have been thinking that I'm timid and insecure. Other women have said as much. But she was patient. She let me vent, let me spend a night mulling it over."

I asked him what his wife's silence meant. He said, "She has faith in me. She knows I'll do the right thing."

I like this story because it indicates where communication lies.

Communication is not just putting ideas into words. It's getting ideas across, preferably in a way that allows them to be used. Timing is crucial.

But what of spontaneity? Many people believe intimacy means being able to say what you think: "I'm through repressing my feelings. What good is a relationship if I can't express myself?"

I see the point in this objection. Women have been forced for too long to control their responses. We may admire Jane Austen's shrewd heroines, but we wouldn't want to live in a world that demands such extremes of social calculation. No one should have to weigh every syllable.

All the same, self-expression often benefits from forethought. That's why writers revise. Sometimes I think therapists have done great harm by overemphasizing immediacy in communication, as if the ideal marriage were like psychoanalysis from the patient's position, where you say whatever comes to mind without censorship.


MY THOUGHTS

of course! if we know when to speak, we should also know when to zip it. i hate it when i 'put my foot in my mouth". a minute, 5 minutes, maybe an hour of silence can save us a lot of misery. you should be tuned in to how your partner is feeling and know when it is best not to say anything -yet. the article did not say cut your tongue. it's suggesting we hold it until it's time to speak.

COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR PARTNER

The Most Useful Communication Technique of All Time
By Darby Saxbe
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the March 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Communication isn't about how much you say but whether each person grasps the other's perspective. If your partner is a reluctant talker, you may be unwittingly fueling his reticence. When he states his case, do you launch a counterattack? Criticize his reasoning? Get upset? If so, he may keep quiet for a reason.

The Most Useful Communication Technique of All Time is deceptively simple, but it works like magic. Next time your partner makes a point, take a moment to digest whatever he is saying. Then say it back to him. Maybe not word for word, but you have to get the gist—and you can't stop trying until your partner agrees you've nailed it. Switch roles and repeat. Once you're not so busy explaining yourself to someone who just doesn't get it, you can look for compromise.

Before I started grad school and officially drank the psychotherapy Kool-Aid, I used to mock this technique as a way to wrap gauze around discord: "I'm hearing that you're a pathetic jerk." "Well, I'm hearing that you're a total loser." But once I tried it, I realized that "I'm hearing..." isn't just psychobabble. It telegraphs the message "I'm listening to you because what you have to tell me is important." And that's the single most important thing couples can say to each other.

MY THOUGHTS

if you have a partner that you can talk to, someone who listens and talks back to you, congratulations! a common complaint i hear from women is that they have to guess what their partner is thinking or feeling. well, i think some guessing and mystery can put some spice in relationships but it shouldn't be the dominant communication style between partners. i know, men in general are just not as upfront as women but there are a few out there. believe me. someone you can talk to about anything.

WAYS TO MAKE YOURSELF HEARD

How to Talk So People Really Listen: 4 Ways To Make Yourself Heard
By Tim Jarvis
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the November 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Ever feel as if you're speaking with the mute button on? Here's how to get people to listen.

Didn't you explain how to hand-dry the sweater? What part of "trim" did the hair-hacking stylist not understand? And weren't you the one who first brought up the idea that just flew from your colleague's lips and is now "the most genius thing" your boss has ever heard?

Some people, it seems, could command attention while reciting a list of fertilizer chemicals; others are ignored no matter what they have to say. "There's a whole skill set involved in being heard," says John Gray, PhD, author of Why Mars and Venus Collide. It all starts with noticing how others are reacting to you. A few talking points:

1. When you're trying to be helpful, do others avoid making eye contact with you? Do they interrupt or show little interest in your point of view? You may be coming across as a know-it-all, or your advice could sound like criticism, Gray says. Eventually people may stop listening to your ideas altogether. Next time you have a suggestion, try asking, "Would you like to know what I think?" Or "I have a different perspective—would you like to hear it?"

2. While you're talking, do people check their BlackBerries or make you feel like you're wasting their time? Tony Alessandra, PhD, author of Charisma: Seven Keys to Developing the Magnetism that Leads to Success, says you may be losing your audience due to a discrepancy in communication styles. "Some people respond to emotion and storytelling, while others need you to get to the point," he explains. Note how fast the other person speaks and try to match his speed: If you talk too slowly to a fast-paced communicator, his mind may wander; if you talk too rapidly to a slower-paced person, he may feel flustered and tune out.

3. Do friends drift off while you're pouring your heart out? According to Gray, many women like to commiserate—talking about problems not in order to fix them but simply to share them as a way to reduce stress. But some people—particularly men—hear such talk as a burdensome request for help. "Let your friend or coworker know that you just want to vent for a few minutes about what's going on," Gray advises, "and tell him that he doesn't have to say or do anything about it. That releases him from assuming that he must offer a solution."

4. No matter what, you can't go wrong by showing interest in what other people say and making them feel important. In other words, the better you listen, the more you'll be listened to.

MY THOUGHTS

i think #4 is called the golden rule? and i agree. totally. people tend to listen to people who listen. makes a lot of sense, too. if you listen to others first, you'll be more aware of the situation, of the state of mind (and affairs) of the other person. that will help when you speak out. you can say what the other person will most likely want to hear. therefore, you have a listener. a willing one at that.

IS BEING TOO CLOSE TO YOUR SPOUSE GOOD OR BAD?

Being too close to your spouse isn't good at all!
Press Trust Of India
Posted on Jan 22, 2011 at 05:45pm IST

London: Do you feel that your spouse doesn't understand you? It may be because you are too close to each other, scientists say.

Psychologists at the University of Chicago and Williams College in Massachusetts found that when two people know each other too well they assume they share too much knowledge and their language becomes dangerously ambiguous.

This "closeness communication bias" can lead to long term misunderstandings, rows and even relationship problems, they said.

The researchers found that often couples and good friends communicate with each other no better than they do with strangers. Sometimes they are clearer with strangers because they assume no common knowledge.

This is a dangerous phenomenon which could cause marital discords, warned Prof Boaz Keysar, the co-author of the study.

"People commonly believe that they communicate better with close friends than with strangers," Prof Keysar was quoted as saying by The Telegraph.

"That closeness can lead people to overestimate how well they communicate. Your language can become so ambiguous. The brain becomes lazy," he said.

"But it can backfire and the misunderstanding can lead to rows in the future."

To prove their theory, Prof Keysar and his team recruited 24 married couples. The spouses sat in chairs with their backs to each other and tried to discern the meaning of each other's ambiguous phrases.

The researchers used common phrases to see if the spouses were better at understanding phrases from their partners than from people they did not know.

It was also found that spouses consistently overestimated their ability to communicate, and did so more with their partners than with strangers.

Prof Kenneth Savitsky said: "A wife who says to her husband, 'it's getting hot in here,' as a hint for her husband to turn up the air conditioning a notch, may be surprised when he interprets her statement as a coy, amorous advance instead.

"Some couples may indeed be on the same wavelength, but maybe not as much as they think. You get rushed and preoccupied, and you stop taking the perspective of the other person, precisely because the two of you are so close."

A similar experiment with 60 Williams College students showed that the phenomenon also applies to close friends.

"Our problem in communicating with friends and spouses is that we have an illusion of insight. Getting close to someone appears to create the illusion of understanding more than actual understanding," said co-author Prof Nicholas Epley.

That's why, Prof Savitsky added, it's always important to bear in mind the point of view of others no matter how close to them you are.

The study is published in the journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

MY THOUGHTS

so, have you put a finger to your relationship woes? could be true, right? we get so comfortable with someone, we assume we will be understood despite our ambiguity. or we think we know the other person so much that we understand perfectly what is being said. or not being said. well, at least you're talking to each other. you're in deep trouble if your dinner time feels like someone died.

Improving Your Negotiating Skills

Negotiating to Win – 10 Tips for Improving Your Negotiating Skills
Oct. 26 2010 - 2:15 pm | 659 views | 1 recommendation | 2 comments
Posted by Lisa Quast

In today’s business world, being a good negotiator can make a big difference in your career. Not only can it help you in your career, such as earning more money (by negotiating a raise), earning a higher title (by negotiating a promotion), or obtaining budget money (to take on a prominent project), but it can also help you in your personal life…such as agreeing on bedtimes with the kids or what show to watch on the television with your husband. How good of a negotiator are you??

No matter what the topic for discussion, successfully negotiating to achieve your goals requires thought and practice. I’ve seen women go from being terrified of negotiating to loving it. How? They changed their approach and started thinking about negotiating as 1) a simple process to follow; 2) a thoughtful interaction with other people; and 3) a way to determine even better solutions.

Try my following ten tips and see if they help you improve your negotiating skills:

1. Do your homework: Research the topic and think through your options before you hold the discussion.

2. See the situation from all angles: Try to understand where the other person is coming from; try asking them to tell you about their needs and key concerns.

3. Clearly define your goals: Prior to the discussion, make sure you’re clear on not only what you want, but your “walk-away” point (the minimum outcome you’re willing to accept).

4. Determine the best timing for the discussion: You’ll want enough time for the discussion and to hold it when all parties are relaxed and not emotional.

5. Remain calm and avoid getting emotional: The more emotional you become, the more clouded your thinking will become.

6. Listen, listen, and listen some more: Spend more time listening than talking.

7. Ask for what you want: Don’t be afraid to explain your needs and what you’d like to see occur as an outcome, but do so calmly and in a non-confrontational tone of voice.

8. Avoid finger-pointing: Focus on the issues, not on personalities.

9. Find a creative solution: Think win/win, not that someone must walk away a winner and the other a loser. There’s nothing wrong with working together to determine creative ways that the needs of both parties can be met.

10. Remember that there will always be a tomorrow: If the discussions head in a wrong direction and tempers flare, it’s okay to recommend picking up the discussion on another day once everyone has an opportunity to take a step back, relax, and think.

Let me know how these tips worked for you, or, if you have other tips women can use to improve their skills at negotiating then please share them in the “Comments” section.

~ Lisa Quast

MY THOUGHTS

in negotiations, the best strategy is habit 5 of the 7 habits. "seek first to understand, then to be understood". in other words, shut up first. listen with all your senses. and your heart. listening first helps you to understand what you're up against. in most cases, people appreciates being listened to. which means that the other party will be more open to you since you gave him/her the floor first.

How to Say the Right Things at the Right Time at Work

How to Say the Right Things at the Right Time at Work
By Althea DeBrule, eHow Member

Did you know that what comes out of your mouth reflects what's in your heart? It has been estimated that on a weekly basis, the average person speaks more than 200,000 words-enough to fill a 500 page book! Words are powerful and extremely concentrated! When spoken in too large quantities. They can affect emotions and attitudes. They germinate readily when spoken; therefore, you must learn to bite your tongue and be careful about what and how you say things. It's not always right to speak out and express whatever pops into your mind. This article explains what to do to tame your tongue at work.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy
Instructions

1

Refuse to participate in, listen to, or tolerate negative things including backbiting and gossip that is said about another person. If you tell people you will not participate, they will stop including you in these types of conversations. So, speak up!

2

Watch your tone and attitude. Encourage and boost the self-esteem of those you talk to by allowing words of praise and encouragement to come out of your mouth. The tone and attitude behind your words can work miracles or do far greater damage than the words themselves.

3

Think positively. Look on the bright side of things. Develop a positive mental attitude about people. Believe it or not, this will brighten your personality and bring you contentment.

4

Practice being patient. I know this is hard to do sometimes, but when you're waiting for a new assignment or help on an existing one, find something productive to think about or do like reading and responding to your emails, or planning the rest of your day.

5

Learn to cope instead of blurting out your displeasure. A common definition of insanity is doing the things you've always done, yet expecting the result to be different. We live in an imperfect world, yet we continue to expect it to somehow be perfect. Stop wasting precious time and energy! Instead, consider even the smallest annoyance a challenge to overcome. Just think of the sweet sense of accomplishment you'll receive once you've succeeded in tackling it.

6

Stop whining and complaining. Whining and complaining are energy-draining. Liberal doses of this highly toxic stuff leads to bitterness and ultimately poor health. Avoid complaining about things or people you can't control. Think of solutions and strategies to handle the things you can control without complaining.

7

Respond graciously to criticism. Give yourself a few moments to think about your response before you charge in mouth-first. Re-word your statement to be more effective. Make your point graciously and in a professional and convincing manner.

8

When you've put your foot in your mouth and blurted out a tactless or tasteless remark, apologize as swiftly and sincerely as possible and simply say the words you wish you had said.

9

Practice makes perfect. Train yourself to think and act differently. Prepare ahead of time by practicing what you will say in various situations. When you know you are about to engage in a confrontation that will test your temper, write out what you will say and practice it out loud before you meet with the other person.

10

Forgive yourself as well as others. When you blow it, don't panic. Forgive yourself first, and then make amends to the other person as well. Every person needs forgiveness and needs to forgive. The first
response when hurt is usually a reactive one of resentment, revenge and avoidance. Forgiveness allows you to be proactive and to put all the hurt and injustice of the past behind you once and for all.

MY THOUGHTS

ouch and double ouch. the sins of the tongue are truly hard to curb. i can be called insane given the way the author defined insanity. and i'm not gonna deny it. i'm not your average 200,000 words per week person. double that number and you're probably not even close. especially when i'm angry. my brain and my tongue seem to be in very close partnership. God help me!

developing communication skills - eye contact

Developing Good Eye Contact
By Arlin Cuncic, About.com
Updated: January 25, 2009
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board

Eye contact is an important aspect of social interaction, and it is something that many shy and socially anxious people have difficulty with. Often people with social anxiety describe looking someone in the eyes as anxiety-provoking and uncomfortable. This is likely due, in part, to genetic wiring -- studies have shown that people diagnosed with social anxiety disorder (SAD) have a stronger fear response than others. If you have SAD, the part of your brain that warns you of danger can be set off by something as simple as the gaze of a stranger.

Fortunately, with proper treatment including cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or medication, most people with SAD can learn to overcome this fear response and maintain better eye contact -- a key aspect of effective communication with others.

Communications expert Robert Graham offers training in delivering presentations, and one of his tips for good eye contact can be translated into conversational settings when speaking to more than one person:

When speaking to a group of people, instead of thinking of the group as a whole, imagine that you are having individual conversations with one person in the group at a time.

As you speak, choose one person in the group and pretend that you are talking just with that person. Look at him as you finish your thought or sentence. As you begin a new sentence or idea, choose another person in the group and look her in the eye as you finish your thought. Make sure that you eventually include everyone in the group.

What if looking someone in the eye is still too difficult? Choose a spot directly between or slightly above the listener’s eyes. If this doesn’t feel comfortable, try letting your eyes go slightly out of focus. This has the added benefit of softening and relaxing your gaze. Staring too intensely will turn people off and make them uncomfortable.

By employing some of these strategies for good eye contact, you will make your listeners feel more connected and increase the likelihood that you will feel more comfortable when speaking to a group of people.

MY THOUGHTS

Speaking to someone who doesn't look you in the eye can be uncomfortable, even disturbing. Knowing how to make eye contact should be part of anybody's attempt in developing communication skills. When we make eye contact, we establish a connection, we show we care about the conversation, that the other person has our attention. To me, this shows respect. If we cannot show respect to the person we're talking to, then we are in serious need of developing our communication skills.

developing communication skills in listening

How To Build Friendships With Good Listening Skills
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: February 11, 2008
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board

Good listening skills are vital to healthy relationships. Whether you're strengtheing a relationship, resolving a conflict, or offering support in a facing a crisis, good listening skills can be a lifeline to peace. Learn how to be a truly supportive listener, and you may find yourself surrounded by others who are able to do the same. Here are some important steps to developing good listening skills:

Difficulty: Average

Time Required: Varies, Depending On The Situation

Here's How:

1. Listen, Listen, Listen. Ask your friend what’s wrong, and really listen to the answer. Let them vent their fears, frustrations and other important feelings, maintaining eye contact and showing that you’re interested in what they have to say. Resist the urge to give advice, and just let them get it out.

2. Reframe What You Hear. Summarize and repeat back your understanding of what they’re saying so they know you’re hearing them, and focus on the emotions they might be feeling. For example, if your friend is talking about family problems, you might find yourself saying, “It looks like things are getting pretty hostile. You sound like you’re feeling hurt.”

3. Ask About Feelings. Ask them to expand on what they’re feeling. Asking about their feelings provides a good emotional release and might be more helpful than just focusing on the facts of their situation.

4. Keep The Focus On Them. Rather than delving into a related story of your own, keep the focus on them until they feel better. You can reference something that happened to you if you bring the focus back to them quickly. They will appreciate the focused attention, and this will help them feel genuinely cared for and understood.

5. Help Brainstorm. Rather than giving advice in the beginning, which cuts off further exploration of feelings and other communication, wait until they’ve gotten their feelings out, and then help them brainstorm solutions. If you help them come up with ideas and look at the pros and cons of each, they’re likely to come up with a solution they feel good about. Or they might feel better after just being able to talk and feeling heard.

Tips:

1. Stay Present. Sometimes people feign listening, but they’re really just waiting for their friend to stop talking so they can say whatever they’ve been mentally rehearsing while they’ve been pretending to listen. People can usually sense this, and it doesn’t feel good. Also, they tend to miss what’s being said because they’re not focused.

2. Don’t Give Advice. It’s common to want to immediately give advice and ‘fix’ your friend’s problem. Unless it's specifically requested, don’t. While you’re trying to help, what would work for you might not work for your friend; also, advice can feel condescending. Unless they ask directly for advice, your friend probably just wants to feel heard and understood, and then can find his or her own solutions.

3. Trust The Process. It might feel a little scary to listen to feelings before diving into solutions, and hearing your friend talk about upset feelings might even make you feel helpless. But usually offering a supportive ear and sitting with your friend in an uncomfortable place is the most helpful thing you can do, and once the feelings are cleared out, the solutions can start coming.

4. Let Things Even Out Over Time. With all this focus on your friend’s problems, it might be difficult not to focus equal time on your own. Relax in the knowledge that, when you need a friend, your friend will likely be a better listener for you. If you’re consistently doing all the giving, you can re-evaluate the dynamics of the relationship. But being a good listener can make you a stronger, more caring person and bring a more supportive angle to your relationships.

MY THOUGHTS

Listening is indeed crucial to developing communication skills - not only at work but in our personal lives. Developing communication skills is not merely about speaking. It is, firstly, about listening. Habit # 5 in the habits of effectivess says, understand first. This means listening first. People who are continually developing their communication skills become better and better as listeners.

developing communication skills in assertiveness

How To Learn Assertive Communication In Five Simple Steps
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: December 19, 2007
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board

Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships, reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. A polite but assertive ‘no’ to excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. Assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress.

Difficulty: Average

Time Required: Very Little Extra Time

Here's How:

1. When approaching someone about behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done that’s upset you, rather than labels or judgments.

Here’s an example:

Situation:
Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your plans, has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date.

Inappropriate: "You’re so rude! You’re always late."

Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50."

2. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just describe:

Inappropriate: “Now lunch is ruined.”

Assertive Communication: “Now I have less time to spend lunching because I still need to be back to work by 1pm.”

3. Use “I Messages”. Simply put, if you start a sentence off with “You”, it comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I”, the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame.

For example:

‘You Message’: “You need to stop that!”

‘I Message’: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”

4. Here’s a great formula that puts it all together:

“When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].”

When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example:

“When you yell, I feel attacked.”

5. A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this:

“When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”

Here are some examples:

“When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.”

“When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.”

Tips:

1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax.
2. Use a firm, but pleasant, tone.
3. Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative.
4. When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view as well.
5. Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both get your needs met.

MY THOUGTHS

Dealing with negative behavior is very challenging. Instead of backing off and not saying anything, developing communication skills to be assertive will eventually lead to improved behavior and improved relationships. Diplomacy is the key. When we develop our assertive communication skills, we become constructive instead of constructive.

Developing Communication Skills on your own

Developing Coomunication Skills

Q 161: How to sharpen communication skills?
August 20, 3:49 PMDallas Business Commentary Examiner Robert Morris

Read Examiner.com's terms of use.

John Baldoni is a leadership consultant, coach, and speaker. His work centers on how leaders can use their authority, communications and presence to build trust and drive results. He is the author of six books on leadership, including Lead By Example: 50 Ways Great Leaders Inspire Results. In a recent posting at the Harvard Business Publishing blog, he suggests five ways to sharpen communication skills:

1. Know the fundamentals. Express yourself well verbally, as well as on paper or through email. Failure to communicate coherently leaves people unsure of what is expected of them.

2. Think clearly about what you will say. Many are critical of PowerPoint because bullet points without a "subject, a verb and an object" do not convey "complete thoughts." With PowerPoint itself is not the problem; executives who use it as a short-hand for thinking are. Too many managers use it to sketch out thoughts rather than flesh them out.

3. Prepare for meetings. Documents for meetings should be distributed in advance and made clear and concise. All meetings should start on time. That's all part of the preparation process. So often meetings go off track before they begin because managers and employees do not take the time to think about what they will say before they say it.

4. Engage in discussion. Encourage debate. You need to hear everybody's perspective, so you must ask more questions than make statements. All too often, either due to the press of time or perhaps a feeling of over-importance, executives do not make it clear that they want to hear alternate points of view. Such an approach leads to "groupthink" because no one speaks up.

5. Listen to others. Discussions are meaningless if no one is listening. Anderson does not like to see his managers checking their BlackBerrys in meetings. Doing so shows lack of focus and is akin to reading a newspaper during the meeting. As little as we may tend to concentrate on improving oral and written skills, we spend even less time (if any) on improving listening skills. For that reason, too many managers end up ill-informed and, in turn, ill-prepared to deal with issues that subsequently morph into problems. Time spent listening might have headed off such disasters.

* * * * *

Here is a link to the Harvard Business Publishing blog:

http://blogs.harvardbusiness.org/


WHAT I HAVE TO SAY

Developing communication skills is essential!When we do not spend time developing our communication skills, so many great ideas get lost in the communication process. If we don't spend time developing our communication skills, we will have difficulty giving and receiving messages. When this happens, we will also have difficulty in our relationships both at home and at work. This article have 5 helpful tips. start with this then go and look for other tips on developing communication skills