How to Break the Ice
By Daniel Menaker
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Hello, how are you, my name is...then what? From Daniel Menaker— editor, writer, conversationalist extraordinaire—a few words on how to talk the talk.
I think it was a famous city planner who said that if you build a statue or a sculpture or some similar object and put it on the sidewalk, you will often find several people looking at it and talking to each other about it, even if they don't know each other. The object is a perfect conversation starter. So I have developed a theory—the theory of the third—which says that neither person should start a conversation by talking about himself or the other person directly. Instead, you have to find a third subject, a third person, or an object to begin the conversation around.
I had a perfect example the other night. I was doing a crossword puzzle while waiting in line for a movie, and this guy next to me, whom I didn't know, said, "Well, you're four days late," because it was the Sunday crossword and this was a Thursday. And of course, even though he was commenting on something I was doing, it wasn't a question about me. It wasn't invasive—"What do you do?" "Who are you?" "What's your name?" It was something in between that we could converse about. At the same time, this guy was a little impudent—he was looking over my shoulder—and I liked that, too, but the fact is, he wasn't commenting on what I was wearing or really on anything about me. And because he just talked about the puzzle, it led to a conversation.
The theory of the third explains why the weather is such a common resort. Unfortunately, it's so common as to be clichéd, but at least it's an attempt at neutrality—like commenting on the interesting color of the wall you're standing next to. And that's the best way to start a conversation, with an attempt at neutrality. This sounds like lame advice, but it's not. What you're saying is "I'm not going to invade your privacy, and you're not going to invade mine. We'll test each other out by talking about something that seems inconsequential and see if we want to deepen this a bit."
Now, in terms of ending a conversation, I had an aunt who was a Quaker, and she and my uncle used to have people over for dinner, and sometimes when the guests got up to leave, they would trail on and on and on and just keep talking—until my aunt, who was a terrifically nice, cherubic person, would finally say, "Thee may go, or thee may stay, but don't ooze."
And by the way, the guy from the movie line? We're going to have lunch.
This story is part of O's Live Your Best Year Toolkit
MY THOUGHTS
small talk! it's hard enough to do with acquaintances. it's so much easier to do with stRangers. i like this "theory of the third". but there's still an issue of 'chemistry'. you can babble all you can about every imaginable topic. if there's no chemistry, you won't get beyond that first encounter.
Showing posts with label saying the right things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label saying the right things. Show all posts
Monday, February 14, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
IS BEING TOO CLOSE TO YOUR SPOUSE GOOD OR BAD?
Being too close to your spouse isn't good at all!
Press Trust Of India
Posted on Jan 22, 2011 at 05:45pm IST
London: Do you feel that your spouse doesn't understand you? It may be because you are too close to each other, scientists say.
Psychologists at the University of Chicago and Williams College in Massachusetts found that when two people know each other too well they assume they share too much knowledge and their language becomes dangerously ambiguous.
This "closeness communication bias" can lead to long term misunderstandings, rows and even relationship problems, they said.
The researchers found that often couples and good friends communicate with each other no better than they do with strangers. Sometimes they are clearer with strangers because they assume no common knowledge.
This is a dangerous phenomenon which could cause marital discords, warned Prof Boaz Keysar, the co-author of the study.
"People commonly believe that they communicate better with close friends than with strangers," Prof Keysar was quoted as saying by The Telegraph.
"That closeness can lead people to overestimate how well they communicate. Your language can become so ambiguous. The brain becomes lazy," he said.
"But it can backfire and the misunderstanding can lead to rows in the future."
To prove their theory, Prof Keysar and his team recruited 24 married couples. The spouses sat in chairs with their backs to each other and tried to discern the meaning of each other's ambiguous phrases.
The researchers used common phrases to see if the spouses were better at understanding phrases from their partners than from people they did not know.
It was also found that spouses consistently overestimated their ability to communicate, and did so more with their partners than with strangers.
Prof Kenneth Savitsky said: "A wife who says to her husband, 'it's getting hot in here,' as a hint for her husband to turn up the air conditioning a notch, may be surprised when he interprets her statement as a coy, amorous advance instead.
"Some couples may indeed be on the same wavelength, but maybe not as much as they think. You get rushed and preoccupied, and you stop taking the perspective of the other person, precisely because the two of you are so close."
A similar experiment with 60 Williams College students showed that the phenomenon also applies to close friends.
"Our problem in communicating with friends and spouses is that we have an illusion of insight. Getting close to someone appears to create the illusion of understanding more than actual understanding," said co-author Prof Nicholas Epley.
That's why, Prof Savitsky added, it's always important to bear in mind the point of view of others no matter how close to them you are.
The study is published in the journal of Experimental Social Psychology.
MY THOUGHTS
so, have you put a finger to your relationship woes? could be true, right? we get so comfortable with someone, we assume we will be understood despite our ambiguity. or we think we know the other person so much that we understand perfectly what is being said. or not being said. well, at least you're talking to each other. you're in deep trouble if your dinner time feels like someone died.
Press Trust Of India
Posted on Jan 22, 2011 at 05:45pm IST
London: Do you feel that your spouse doesn't understand you? It may be because you are too close to each other, scientists say.
Psychologists at the University of Chicago and Williams College in Massachusetts found that when two people know each other too well they assume they share too much knowledge and their language becomes dangerously ambiguous.
This "closeness communication bias" can lead to long term misunderstandings, rows and even relationship problems, they said.
The researchers found that often couples and good friends communicate with each other no better than they do with strangers. Sometimes they are clearer with strangers because they assume no common knowledge.
This is a dangerous phenomenon which could cause marital discords, warned Prof Boaz Keysar, the co-author of the study.
"People commonly believe that they communicate better with close friends than with strangers," Prof Keysar was quoted as saying by The Telegraph.
"That closeness can lead people to overestimate how well they communicate. Your language can become so ambiguous. The brain becomes lazy," he said.
"But it can backfire and the misunderstanding can lead to rows in the future."
To prove their theory, Prof Keysar and his team recruited 24 married couples. The spouses sat in chairs with their backs to each other and tried to discern the meaning of each other's ambiguous phrases.
The researchers used common phrases to see if the spouses were better at understanding phrases from their partners than from people they did not know.
It was also found that spouses consistently overestimated their ability to communicate, and did so more with their partners than with strangers.
Prof Kenneth Savitsky said: "A wife who says to her husband, 'it's getting hot in here,' as a hint for her husband to turn up the air conditioning a notch, may be surprised when he interprets her statement as a coy, amorous advance instead.
"Some couples may indeed be on the same wavelength, but maybe not as much as they think. You get rushed and preoccupied, and you stop taking the perspective of the other person, precisely because the two of you are so close."
A similar experiment with 60 Williams College students showed that the phenomenon also applies to close friends.
"Our problem in communicating with friends and spouses is that we have an illusion of insight. Getting close to someone appears to create the illusion of understanding more than actual understanding," said co-author Prof Nicholas Epley.
That's why, Prof Savitsky added, it's always important to bear in mind the point of view of others no matter how close to them you are.
The study is published in the journal of Experimental Social Psychology.
MY THOUGHTS
so, have you put a finger to your relationship woes? could be true, right? we get so comfortable with someone, we assume we will be understood despite our ambiguity. or we think we know the other person so much that we understand perfectly what is being said. or not being said. well, at least you're talking to each other. you're in deep trouble if your dinner time feels like someone died.
Friday, January 21, 2011
How to Say the Right Things at the Right Time at Work
How to Say the Right Things at the Right Time at Work
By Althea DeBrule, eHow Member
Did you know that what comes out of your mouth reflects what's in your heart? It has been estimated that on a weekly basis, the average person speaks more than 200,000 words-enough to fill a 500 page book! Words are powerful and extremely concentrated! When spoken in too large quantities. They can affect emotions and attitudes. They germinate readily when spoken; therefore, you must learn to bite your tongue and be careful about what and how you say things. It's not always right to speak out and express whatever pops into your mind. This article explains what to do to tame your tongue at work.
Difficulty: Moderately Easy
Instructions
1
Refuse to participate in, listen to, or tolerate negative things including backbiting and gossip that is said about another person. If you tell people you will not participate, they will stop including you in these types of conversations. So, speak up!
2
Watch your tone and attitude. Encourage and boost the self-esteem of those you talk to by allowing words of praise and encouragement to come out of your mouth. The tone and attitude behind your words can work miracles or do far greater damage than the words themselves.
3
Think positively. Look on the bright side of things. Develop a positive mental attitude about people. Believe it or not, this will brighten your personality and bring you contentment.
4
Practice being patient. I know this is hard to do sometimes, but when you're waiting for a new assignment or help on an existing one, find something productive to think about or do like reading and responding to your emails, or planning the rest of your day.
5
Learn to cope instead of blurting out your displeasure. A common definition of insanity is doing the things you've always done, yet expecting the result to be different. We live in an imperfect world, yet we continue to expect it to somehow be perfect. Stop wasting precious time and energy! Instead, consider even the smallest annoyance a challenge to overcome. Just think of the sweet sense of accomplishment you'll receive once you've succeeded in tackling it.
6
Stop whining and complaining. Whining and complaining are energy-draining. Liberal doses of this highly toxic stuff leads to bitterness and ultimately poor health. Avoid complaining about things or people you can't control. Think of solutions and strategies to handle the things you can control without complaining.
7
Respond graciously to criticism. Give yourself a few moments to think about your response before you charge in mouth-first. Re-word your statement to be more effective. Make your point graciously and in a professional and convincing manner.
8
When you've put your foot in your mouth and blurted out a tactless or tasteless remark, apologize as swiftly and sincerely as possible and simply say the words you wish you had said.
9
Practice makes perfect. Train yourself to think and act differently. Prepare ahead of time by practicing what you will say in various situations. When you know you are about to engage in a confrontation that will test your temper, write out what you will say and practice it out loud before you meet with the other person.
10
Forgive yourself as well as others. When you blow it, don't panic. Forgive yourself first, and then make amends to the other person as well. Every person needs forgiveness and needs to forgive. The first
response when hurt is usually a reactive one of resentment, revenge and avoidance. Forgiveness allows you to be proactive and to put all the hurt and injustice of the past behind you once and for all.
MY THOUGHTS
ouch and double ouch. the sins of the tongue are truly hard to curb. i can be called insane given the way the author defined insanity. and i'm not gonna deny it. i'm not your average 200,000 words per week person. double that number and you're probably not even close. especially when i'm angry. my brain and my tongue seem to be in very close partnership. God help me!
By Althea DeBrule, eHow Member
Did you know that what comes out of your mouth reflects what's in your heart? It has been estimated that on a weekly basis, the average person speaks more than 200,000 words-enough to fill a 500 page book! Words are powerful and extremely concentrated! When spoken in too large quantities. They can affect emotions and attitudes. They germinate readily when spoken; therefore, you must learn to bite your tongue and be careful about what and how you say things. It's not always right to speak out and express whatever pops into your mind. This article explains what to do to tame your tongue at work.
Difficulty: Moderately Easy
Instructions
1
Refuse to participate in, listen to, or tolerate negative things including backbiting and gossip that is said about another person. If you tell people you will not participate, they will stop including you in these types of conversations. So, speak up!
2
Watch your tone and attitude. Encourage and boost the self-esteem of those you talk to by allowing words of praise and encouragement to come out of your mouth. The tone and attitude behind your words can work miracles or do far greater damage than the words themselves.
3
Think positively. Look on the bright side of things. Develop a positive mental attitude about people. Believe it or not, this will brighten your personality and bring you contentment.
4
Practice being patient. I know this is hard to do sometimes, but when you're waiting for a new assignment or help on an existing one, find something productive to think about or do like reading and responding to your emails, or planning the rest of your day.
5
Learn to cope instead of blurting out your displeasure. A common definition of insanity is doing the things you've always done, yet expecting the result to be different. We live in an imperfect world, yet we continue to expect it to somehow be perfect. Stop wasting precious time and energy! Instead, consider even the smallest annoyance a challenge to overcome. Just think of the sweet sense of accomplishment you'll receive once you've succeeded in tackling it.
6
Stop whining and complaining. Whining and complaining are energy-draining. Liberal doses of this highly toxic stuff leads to bitterness and ultimately poor health. Avoid complaining about things or people you can't control. Think of solutions and strategies to handle the things you can control without complaining.
7
Respond graciously to criticism. Give yourself a few moments to think about your response before you charge in mouth-first. Re-word your statement to be more effective. Make your point graciously and in a professional and convincing manner.
8
When you've put your foot in your mouth and blurted out a tactless or tasteless remark, apologize as swiftly and sincerely as possible and simply say the words you wish you had said.
9
Practice makes perfect. Train yourself to think and act differently. Prepare ahead of time by practicing what you will say in various situations. When you know you are about to engage in a confrontation that will test your temper, write out what you will say and practice it out loud before you meet with the other person.
10
Forgive yourself as well as others. When you blow it, don't panic. Forgive yourself first, and then make amends to the other person as well. Every person needs forgiveness and needs to forgive. The first
response when hurt is usually a reactive one of resentment, revenge and avoidance. Forgiveness allows you to be proactive and to put all the hurt and injustice of the past behind you once and for all.
MY THOUGHTS
ouch and double ouch. the sins of the tongue are truly hard to curb. i can be called insane given the way the author defined insanity. and i'm not gonna deny it. i'm not your average 200,000 words per week person. double that number and you're probably not even close. especially when i'm angry. my brain and my tongue seem to be in very close partnership. God help me!
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