How to Fix a Communication Breakdown
By Daniel L. Shapiro
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Daniel L. Shapiro, PhD, is a renowned negotiation expert who works to solve international conflicts using the psychology of emotions. Your problems may not threaten world peace, but he has some ideas for you, too.
Help! After a fight, you and your spouse are no longer speaking. First, ask yourself: "What's my purpose here? To feel empowered? To get respect? To let "that moron" know I'm angry?" Then ask, "Is the silent treatment really going to get me there?" Once you're ready to talk, be respectful; instead of "I'm ready, let's talk," try "I'd like to understand you better; let me know when you're ready to talk." The best advice, though, is to do what nations do—establish rules of engagement in advance. Over a glass of wine, take 20 minutes to set some parameters: What does a good fight look like? How can you work to understand, not defend? Just keep in mind that you're supposed to be collaborating. No point in fighting about how to fight.
Help! A colleague leaves you off an important e-mail at work. Then your boss wants an update on a project you never heard of. How do you get in the loop? People often worry about things happening behind their back at work. But instead of giving in to paranoia, start a conversation about roles. Ask your boss, "What are my responsibilities? What decisions should I be involved in? How do I ensure that I get the information I need to do what I'm expected to?" These are questions you can ask in a neutral and safe way. Also ask, "Is there any advice you can give that would prevent this from happening again?" If anyone is out to sabotage you, this will make clear that you're not willing to go along with that dynamic.
Help! Your friend loves complaining to you but never asks how you're doing. How do you stop being the designated Dumpster? Chances are, you pick up the phone and—boom!—she talks, you listen. So at the beginning of your next chat, establish a new structure. Say, "Hey, it's great to hear from you. I have about 30 minutes, and there's a lot I'd like to catch you up on. Maybe we can each take 15 minutes to tell each other what's going on." You can also raise the issue directly: "I value our relationship, and I want to be there to listen. I just sometimes feel that it's harder for me to share with you. Do you have suggestions about how to do that?" This way, you're not accusing; you're inviting help.
This story is part of O's Live Your Best Year Toolkit
MY THOUGHTS
so, if you're having problems communicating with anyone, fix it. and fix it fast. problems like this have a way of escalating. sometimes ever so slowly you don't even notice. until it becomes too difficult to fix.
Showing posts with label negotiation skills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label negotiation skills. Show all posts
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Improving Your Negotiating Skills
Negotiating to Win – 10 Tips for Improving Your Negotiating Skills
Oct. 26 2010 - 2:15 pm | 659 views | 1 recommendation | 2 comments
Posted by Lisa Quast
In today’s business world, being a good negotiator can make a big difference in your career. Not only can it help you in your career, such as earning more money (by negotiating a raise), earning a higher title (by negotiating a promotion), or obtaining budget money (to take on a prominent project), but it can also help you in your personal life…such as agreeing on bedtimes with the kids or what show to watch on the television with your husband. How good of a negotiator are you??
No matter what the topic for discussion, successfully negotiating to achieve your goals requires thought and practice. I’ve seen women go from being terrified of negotiating to loving it. How? They changed their approach and started thinking about negotiating as 1) a simple process to follow; 2) a thoughtful interaction with other people; and 3) a way to determine even better solutions.
Try my following ten tips and see if they help you improve your negotiating skills:
1. Do your homework: Research the topic and think through your options before you hold the discussion.
2. See the situation from all angles: Try to understand where the other person is coming from; try asking them to tell you about their needs and key concerns.
3. Clearly define your goals: Prior to the discussion, make sure you’re clear on not only what you want, but your “walk-away” point (the minimum outcome you’re willing to accept).
4. Determine the best timing for the discussion: You’ll want enough time for the discussion and to hold it when all parties are relaxed and not emotional.
5. Remain calm and avoid getting emotional: The more emotional you become, the more clouded your thinking will become.
6. Listen, listen, and listen some more: Spend more time listening than talking.
7. Ask for what you want: Don’t be afraid to explain your needs and what you’d like to see occur as an outcome, but do so calmly and in a non-confrontational tone of voice.
8. Avoid finger-pointing: Focus on the issues, not on personalities.
9. Find a creative solution: Think win/win, not that someone must walk away a winner and the other a loser. There’s nothing wrong with working together to determine creative ways that the needs of both parties can be met.
10. Remember that there will always be a tomorrow: If the discussions head in a wrong direction and tempers flare, it’s okay to recommend picking up the discussion on another day once everyone has an opportunity to take a step back, relax, and think.
Let me know how these tips worked for you, or, if you have other tips women can use to improve their skills at negotiating then please share them in the “Comments” section.
~ Lisa Quast
MY THOUGHTS
in negotiations, the best strategy is habit 5 of the 7 habits. "seek first to understand, then to be understood". in other words, shut up first. listen with all your senses. and your heart. listening first helps you to understand what you're up against. in most cases, people appreciates being listened to. which means that the other party will be more open to you since you gave him/her the floor first.
Oct. 26 2010 - 2:15 pm | 659 views | 1 recommendation | 2 comments
Posted by Lisa Quast
In today’s business world, being a good negotiator can make a big difference in your career. Not only can it help you in your career, such as earning more money (by negotiating a raise), earning a higher title (by negotiating a promotion), or obtaining budget money (to take on a prominent project), but it can also help you in your personal life…such as agreeing on bedtimes with the kids or what show to watch on the television with your husband. How good of a negotiator are you??
No matter what the topic for discussion, successfully negotiating to achieve your goals requires thought and practice. I’ve seen women go from being terrified of negotiating to loving it. How? They changed their approach and started thinking about negotiating as 1) a simple process to follow; 2) a thoughtful interaction with other people; and 3) a way to determine even better solutions.
Try my following ten tips and see if they help you improve your negotiating skills:
1. Do your homework: Research the topic and think through your options before you hold the discussion.
2. See the situation from all angles: Try to understand where the other person is coming from; try asking them to tell you about their needs and key concerns.
3. Clearly define your goals: Prior to the discussion, make sure you’re clear on not only what you want, but your “walk-away” point (the minimum outcome you’re willing to accept).
4. Determine the best timing for the discussion: You’ll want enough time for the discussion and to hold it when all parties are relaxed and not emotional.
5. Remain calm and avoid getting emotional: The more emotional you become, the more clouded your thinking will become.
6. Listen, listen, and listen some more: Spend more time listening than talking.
7. Ask for what you want: Don’t be afraid to explain your needs and what you’d like to see occur as an outcome, but do so calmly and in a non-confrontational tone of voice.
8. Avoid finger-pointing: Focus on the issues, not on personalities.
9. Find a creative solution: Think win/win, not that someone must walk away a winner and the other a loser. There’s nothing wrong with working together to determine creative ways that the needs of both parties can be met.
10. Remember that there will always be a tomorrow: If the discussions head in a wrong direction and tempers flare, it’s okay to recommend picking up the discussion on another day once everyone has an opportunity to take a step back, relax, and think.
Let me know how these tips worked for you, or, if you have other tips women can use to improve their skills at negotiating then please share them in the “Comments” section.
~ Lisa Quast
MY THOUGHTS
in negotiations, the best strategy is habit 5 of the 7 habits. "seek first to understand, then to be understood". in other words, shut up first. listen with all your senses. and your heart. listening first helps you to understand what you're up against. in most cases, people appreciates being listened to. which means that the other party will be more open to you since you gave him/her the floor first.
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