How to Fix a Communication Breakdown
By Daniel L. Shapiro
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Daniel L. Shapiro, PhD, is a renowned negotiation expert who works to solve international conflicts using the psychology of emotions. Your problems may not threaten world peace, but he has some ideas for you, too.
Help! After a fight, you and your spouse are no longer speaking. First, ask yourself: "What's my purpose here? To feel empowered? To get respect? To let "that moron" know I'm angry?" Then ask, "Is the silent treatment really going to get me there?" Once you're ready to talk, be respectful; instead of "I'm ready, let's talk," try "I'd like to understand you better; let me know when you're ready to talk." The best advice, though, is to do what nations do—establish rules of engagement in advance. Over a glass of wine, take 20 minutes to set some parameters: What does a good fight look like? How can you work to understand, not defend? Just keep in mind that you're supposed to be collaborating. No point in fighting about how to fight.
Help! A colleague leaves you off an important e-mail at work. Then your boss wants an update on a project you never heard of. How do you get in the loop? People often worry about things happening behind their back at work. But instead of giving in to paranoia, start a conversation about roles. Ask your boss, "What are my responsibilities? What decisions should I be involved in? How do I ensure that I get the information I need to do what I'm expected to?" These are questions you can ask in a neutral and safe way. Also ask, "Is there any advice you can give that would prevent this from happening again?" If anyone is out to sabotage you, this will make clear that you're not willing to go along with that dynamic.
Help! Your friend loves complaining to you but never asks how you're doing. How do you stop being the designated Dumpster? Chances are, you pick up the phone and—boom!—she talks, you listen. So at the beginning of your next chat, establish a new structure. Say, "Hey, it's great to hear from you. I have about 30 minutes, and there's a lot I'd like to catch you up on. Maybe we can each take 15 minutes to tell each other what's going on." You can also raise the issue directly: "I value our relationship, and I want to be there to listen. I just sometimes feel that it's harder for me to share with you. Do you have suggestions about how to do that?" This way, you're not accusing; you're inviting help.
This story is part of O's Live Your Best Year Toolkit
MY THOUGHTS
so, if you're having problems communicating with anyone, fix it. and fix it fast. problems like this have a way of escalating. sometimes ever so slowly you don't even notice. until it becomes too difficult to fix.
Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Improving Your Negotiating Skills
Negotiating to Win – 10 Tips for Improving Your Negotiating Skills
Oct. 26 2010 - 2:15 pm | 659 views | 1 recommendation | 2 comments
Posted by Lisa Quast
In today’s business world, being a good negotiator can make a big difference in your career. Not only can it help you in your career, such as earning more money (by negotiating a raise), earning a higher title (by negotiating a promotion), or obtaining budget money (to take on a prominent project), but it can also help you in your personal life…such as agreeing on bedtimes with the kids or what show to watch on the television with your husband. How good of a negotiator are you??
No matter what the topic for discussion, successfully negotiating to achieve your goals requires thought and practice. I’ve seen women go from being terrified of negotiating to loving it. How? They changed their approach and started thinking about negotiating as 1) a simple process to follow; 2) a thoughtful interaction with other people; and 3) a way to determine even better solutions.
Try my following ten tips and see if they help you improve your negotiating skills:
1. Do your homework: Research the topic and think through your options before you hold the discussion.
2. See the situation from all angles: Try to understand where the other person is coming from; try asking them to tell you about their needs and key concerns.
3. Clearly define your goals: Prior to the discussion, make sure you’re clear on not only what you want, but your “walk-away” point (the minimum outcome you’re willing to accept).
4. Determine the best timing for the discussion: You’ll want enough time for the discussion and to hold it when all parties are relaxed and not emotional.
5. Remain calm and avoid getting emotional: The more emotional you become, the more clouded your thinking will become.
6. Listen, listen, and listen some more: Spend more time listening than talking.
7. Ask for what you want: Don’t be afraid to explain your needs and what you’d like to see occur as an outcome, but do so calmly and in a non-confrontational tone of voice.
8. Avoid finger-pointing: Focus on the issues, not on personalities.
9. Find a creative solution: Think win/win, not that someone must walk away a winner and the other a loser. There’s nothing wrong with working together to determine creative ways that the needs of both parties can be met.
10. Remember that there will always be a tomorrow: If the discussions head in a wrong direction and tempers flare, it’s okay to recommend picking up the discussion on another day once everyone has an opportunity to take a step back, relax, and think.
Let me know how these tips worked for you, or, if you have other tips women can use to improve their skills at negotiating then please share them in the “Comments” section.
~ Lisa Quast
MY THOUGHTS
in negotiations, the best strategy is habit 5 of the 7 habits. "seek first to understand, then to be understood". in other words, shut up first. listen with all your senses. and your heart. listening first helps you to understand what you're up against. in most cases, people appreciates being listened to. which means that the other party will be more open to you since you gave him/her the floor first.
Oct. 26 2010 - 2:15 pm | 659 views | 1 recommendation | 2 comments
Posted by Lisa Quast
In today’s business world, being a good negotiator can make a big difference in your career. Not only can it help you in your career, such as earning more money (by negotiating a raise), earning a higher title (by negotiating a promotion), or obtaining budget money (to take on a prominent project), but it can also help you in your personal life…such as agreeing on bedtimes with the kids or what show to watch on the television with your husband. How good of a negotiator are you??
No matter what the topic for discussion, successfully negotiating to achieve your goals requires thought and practice. I’ve seen women go from being terrified of negotiating to loving it. How? They changed their approach and started thinking about negotiating as 1) a simple process to follow; 2) a thoughtful interaction with other people; and 3) a way to determine even better solutions.
Try my following ten tips and see if they help you improve your negotiating skills:
1. Do your homework: Research the topic and think through your options before you hold the discussion.
2. See the situation from all angles: Try to understand where the other person is coming from; try asking them to tell you about their needs and key concerns.
3. Clearly define your goals: Prior to the discussion, make sure you’re clear on not only what you want, but your “walk-away” point (the minimum outcome you’re willing to accept).
4. Determine the best timing for the discussion: You’ll want enough time for the discussion and to hold it when all parties are relaxed and not emotional.
5. Remain calm and avoid getting emotional: The more emotional you become, the more clouded your thinking will become.
6. Listen, listen, and listen some more: Spend more time listening than talking.
7. Ask for what you want: Don’t be afraid to explain your needs and what you’d like to see occur as an outcome, but do so calmly and in a non-confrontational tone of voice.
8. Avoid finger-pointing: Focus on the issues, not on personalities.
9. Find a creative solution: Think win/win, not that someone must walk away a winner and the other a loser. There’s nothing wrong with working together to determine creative ways that the needs of both parties can be met.
10. Remember that there will always be a tomorrow: If the discussions head in a wrong direction and tempers flare, it’s okay to recommend picking up the discussion on another day once everyone has an opportunity to take a step back, relax, and think.
Let me know how these tips worked for you, or, if you have other tips women can use to improve their skills at negotiating then please share them in the “Comments” section.
~ Lisa Quast
MY THOUGHTS
in negotiations, the best strategy is habit 5 of the 7 habits. "seek first to understand, then to be understood". in other words, shut up first. listen with all your senses. and your heart. listening first helps you to understand what you're up against. in most cases, people appreciates being listened to. which means that the other party will be more open to you since you gave him/her the floor first.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
developing communication skills in listening
How To Build Friendships With Good Listening Skills
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: February 11, 2008
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board
Good listening skills are vital to healthy relationships. Whether you're strengtheing a relationship, resolving a conflict, or offering support in a facing a crisis, good listening skills can be a lifeline to peace. Learn how to be a truly supportive listener, and you may find yourself surrounded by others who are able to do the same. Here are some important steps to developing good listening skills:
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Varies, Depending On The Situation
Here's How:
1. Listen, Listen, Listen. Ask your friend what’s wrong, and really listen to the answer. Let them vent their fears, frustrations and other important feelings, maintaining eye contact and showing that you’re interested in what they have to say. Resist the urge to give advice, and just let them get it out.
2. Reframe What You Hear. Summarize and repeat back your understanding of what they’re saying so they know you’re hearing them, and focus on the emotions they might be feeling. For example, if your friend is talking about family problems, you might find yourself saying, “It looks like things are getting pretty hostile. You sound like you’re feeling hurt.”
3. Ask About Feelings. Ask them to expand on what they’re feeling. Asking about their feelings provides a good emotional release and might be more helpful than just focusing on the facts of their situation.
4. Keep The Focus On Them. Rather than delving into a related story of your own, keep the focus on them until they feel better. You can reference something that happened to you if you bring the focus back to them quickly. They will appreciate the focused attention, and this will help them feel genuinely cared for and understood.
5. Help Brainstorm. Rather than giving advice in the beginning, which cuts off further exploration of feelings and other communication, wait until they’ve gotten their feelings out, and then help them brainstorm solutions. If you help them come up with ideas and look at the pros and cons of each, they’re likely to come up with a solution they feel good about. Or they might feel better after just being able to talk and feeling heard.
Tips:
1. Stay Present. Sometimes people feign listening, but they’re really just waiting for their friend to stop talking so they can say whatever they’ve been mentally rehearsing while they’ve been pretending to listen. People can usually sense this, and it doesn’t feel good. Also, they tend to miss what’s being said because they’re not focused.
2. Don’t Give Advice. It’s common to want to immediately give advice and ‘fix’ your friend’s problem. Unless it's specifically requested, don’t. While you’re trying to help, what would work for you might not work for your friend; also, advice can feel condescending. Unless they ask directly for advice, your friend probably just wants to feel heard and understood, and then can find his or her own solutions.
3. Trust The Process. It might feel a little scary to listen to feelings before diving into solutions, and hearing your friend talk about upset feelings might even make you feel helpless. But usually offering a supportive ear and sitting with your friend in an uncomfortable place is the most helpful thing you can do, and once the feelings are cleared out, the solutions can start coming.
4. Let Things Even Out Over Time. With all this focus on your friend’s problems, it might be difficult not to focus equal time on your own. Relax in the knowledge that, when you need a friend, your friend will likely be a better listener for you. If you’re consistently doing all the giving, you can re-evaluate the dynamics of the relationship. But being a good listener can make you a stronger, more caring person and bring a more supportive angle to your relationships.
MY THOUGHTS
Listening is indeed crucial to developing communication skills - not only at work but in our personal lives. Developing communication skills is not merely about speaking. It is, firstly, about listening. Habit # 5 in the habits of effectivess says, understand first. This means listening first. People who are continually developing their communication skills become better and better as listeners.
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: February 11, 2008
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board
Good listening skills are vital to healthy relationships. Whether you're strengtheing a relationship, resolving a conflict, or offering support in a facing a crisis, good listening skills can be a lifeline to peace. Learn how to be a truly supportive listener, and you may find yourself surrounded by others who are able to do the same. Here are some important steps to developing good listening skills:
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Varies, Depending On The Situation
Here's How:
1. Listen, Listen, Listen. Ask your friend what’s wrong, and really listen to the answer. Let them vent their fears, frustrations and other important feelings, maintaining eye contact and showing that you’re interested in what they have to say. Resist the urge to give advice, and just let them get it out.
2. Reframe What You Hear. Summarize and repeat back your understanding of what they’re saying so they know you’re hearing them, and focus on the emotions they might be feeling. For example, if your friend is talking about family problems, you might find yourself saying, “It looks like things are getting pretty hostile. You sound like you’re feeling hurt.”
3. Ask About Feelings. Ask them to expand on what they’re feeling. Asking about their feelings provides a good emotional release and might be more helpful than just focusing on the facts of their situation.
4. Keep The Focus On Them. Rather than delving into a related story of your own, keep the focus on them until they feel better. You can reference something that happened to you if you bring the focus back to them quickly. They will appreciate the focused attention, and this will help them feel genuinely cared for and understood.
5. Help Brainstorm. Rather than giving advice in the beginning, which cuts off further exploration of feelings and other communication, wait until they’ve gotten their feelings out, and then help them brainstorm solutions. If you help them come up with ideas and look at the pros and cons of each, they’re likely to come up with a solution they feel good about. Or they might feel better after just being able to talk and feeling heard.
Tips:
1. Stay Present. Sometimes people feign listening, but they’re really just waiting for their friend to stop talking so they can say whatever they’ve been mentally rehearsing while they’ve been pretending to listen. People can usually sense this, and it doesn’t feel good. Also, they tend to miss what’s being said because they’re not focused.
2. Don’t Give Advice. It’s common to want to immediately give advice and ‘fix’ your friend’s problem. Unless it's specifically requested, don’t. While you’re trying to help, what would work for you might not work for your friend; also, advice can feel condescending. Unless they ask directly for advice, your friend probably just wants to feel heard and understood, and then can find his or her own solutions.
3. Trust The Process. It might feel a little scary to listen to feelings before diving into solutions, and hearing your friend talk about upset feelings might even make you feel helpless. But usually offering a supportive ear and sitting with your friend in an uncomfortable place is the most helpful thing you can do, and once the feelings are cleared out, the solutions can start coming.
4. Let Things Even Out Over Time. With all this focus on your friend’s problems, it might be difficult not to focus equal time on your own. Relax in the knowledge that, when you need a friend, your friend will likely be a better listener for you. If you’re consistently doing all the giving, you can re-evaluate the dynamics of the relationship. But being a good listener can make you a stronger, more caring person and bring a more supportive angle to your relationships.
MY THOUGHTS
Listening is indeed crucial to developing communication skills - not only at work but in our personal lives. Developing communication skills is not merely about speaking. It is, firstly, about listening. Habit # 5 in the habits of effectivess says, understand first. This means listening first. People who are continually developing their communication skills become better and better as listeners.
developing communication skills in assertiveness
How To Learn Assertive Communication In Five Simple Steps
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: December 19, 2007
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board
Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships, reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. A polite but assertive ‘no’ to excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. Assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Very Little Extra Time
Here's How:
1. When approaching someone about behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done that’s upset you, rather than labels or judgments.
Here’s an example:
Situation:
Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your plans, has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date.
Inappropriate: "You’re so rude! You’re always late."
Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50."
2. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just describe:
Inappropriate: “Now lunch is ruined.”
Assertive Communication: “Now I have less time to spend lunching because I still need to be back to work by 1pm.”
3. Use “I Messages”. Simply put, if you start a sentence off with “You”, it comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I”, the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame.
For example:
‘You Message’: “You need to stop that!”
‘I Message’: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”
4. Here’s a great formula that puts it all together:
“When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].”
When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example:
“When you yell, I feel attacked.”
5. A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this:
“When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”
Here are some examples:
“When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.”
“When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.”
Tips:
1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax.
2. Use a firm, but pleasant, tone.
3. Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative.
4. When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view as well.
5. Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both get your needs met.
MY THOUGTHS
Dealing with negative behavior is very challenging. Instead of backing off and not saying anything, developing communication skills to be assertive will eventually lead to improved behavior and improved relationships. Diplomacy is the key. When we develop our assertive communication skills, we become constructive instead of constructive.
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: December 19, 2007
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board
Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships, reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. A polite but assertive ‘no’ to excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. Assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Very Little Extra Time
Here's How:
1. When approaching someone about behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done that’s upset you, rather than labels or judgments.
Here’s an example:
Situation:
Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your plans, has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date.
Inappropriate: "You’re so rude! You’re always late."
Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50."
2. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just describe:
Inappropriate: “Now lunch is ruined.”
Assertive Communication: “Now I have less time to spend lunching because I still need to be back to work by 1pm.”
3. Use “I Messages”. Simply put, if you start a sentence off with “You”, it comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I”, the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame.
For example:
‘You Message’: “You need to stop that!”
‘I Message’: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”
4. Here’s a great formula that puts it all together:
“When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].”
When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example:
“When you yell, I feel attacked.”
5. A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this:
“When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”
Here are some examples:
“When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.”
“When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.”
Tips:
1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax.
2. Use a firm, but pleasant, tone.
3. Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative.
4. When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view as well.
5. Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both get your needs met.
MY THOUGTHS
Dealing with negative behavior is very challenging. Instead of backing off and not saying anything, developing communication skills to be assertive will eventually lead to improved behavior and improved relationships. Diplomacy is the key. When we develop our assertive communication skills, we become constructive instead of constructive.
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