How to Fix Your Grammar
By Barbara Wallraff
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Good English sounds smart, and every one of us could stand to sound a bit smarter.
Just ask the president. A year ago he had trouble with I and me, saying things like "President Bush graciously invited Michelle and I...." But someone clarified this point of language for him: Whichever word you'd use if you were the only person involved (as in "President Bush graciously invited me") is the word you should use when someone else is, too. More tips:
"It's" So Easy
On paper many people are tripped up by it's versus its. The apostrophe in it's ("it is"), just like the one in we're ("we are") or I'm ("I am"), is standing in for a missing letter, in this case the i in is. That is its role. As opposed to: "That is it's role." Which would mean "That is it is role." Which in fact means nothing.
Beware the "Literal" Agenda
A literal-minded person lacks imagination. So does a "literal" expression: It means exactly what it says. So if you tell someone, "I'd kill to have your job—literally," watch out! You've just made a death threat.
That's Repetitive. And Redundant!
A sentence that starts with "The reason is" shouldn't continue with "because." "The reason" has already done all the work, leaving nothing for "because" to do. Other notorious wastes of words: "I thought to myself" (who else would you think to?), "advance reservations" (yep, that's when they're made), and "I am busy at this time" (but not so busy that you didn't have time for three useless words).
This story is part of O's Live Your Best Year Toolkit
MY THOUGHTS
some articles make me laugh - literally! hey, i'm not making fun of people who need to go back to school for grammar lessons. sometimes, i feel i need to take those lessons myself.
i'm not a good writer. sure i know how to 'dot the i's' and 'cross the t's". but i get so confused with "to","at", "in", "on". you know what i mean.
i didn't even know i have this problem. until one fine day. i took an online english test (no, not the jobstreet test - i'm still not confident enough to take that one!). so, going back online, there i was, armed with nothing but my 'pride'. i started taking the awful test! the first question wasn't that bad. the second, even the third - no sweat! when i got to the 4th test item, that's when i started thinking - "i am no better "than a third grader'!!!
but i wanted to pass the test. so, i went to my third grade teacher. nope, she wasn't online. she's from the 'typewriter generation' and looks at a computer with pure dismay. and she's my mom. she (my mom) passed the test with flying colors!!! in my name, of course! if you don't call that cheating, then i don't know what is.
i thought it was funny. for a while. then i realized i have to do something. i may not be a good writer but writing is part and parcel of my life- at work and at home. i decided to brush up and get over my grammar issues.
so, i went back to reading. (advice of my third grade teacher). not speed reading. pure unadulterated (had to check with collins for this one) reading- really taking note of how sentences are constructed, how words are spelled, how conjunctions are used. and i got reacquainted with the dictionary - looking up words i cannot understand, checking spelling and how certain words are pronounced. i'm still learning. it's a process. i suppose, it's a process that should never end. or i would really need to go back to third grade.
dear reader, don't get me wrong. i'm not advising you to do the same (although i'm hoping you would). i made the mistake of giving this unsolicited advice years ago - to an idiot (sorry - venting!venting!). the issue got so blown out of proportion it reached the office of the CEO. i could have killed the &*^%$# girl!!! (venting again). the nerve!!! and she didn't even know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. (sorry again - bitching this time!)
i so wanted to slap her - with the dictionary (and the thesaurus - which she cannot even pronounce!!!- forgive me! the memory makes may blood boil). fortunately, only a bible was at hand. i was reminded - i'm a Christian. a work in progress. but a Christian, nevertheless.
Monday, February 14, 2011
HOW TO BREAK THE ICE
How to Break the Ice
By Daniel Menaker
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Hello, how are you, my name is...then what? From Daniel Menaker— editor, writer, conversationalist extraordinaire—a few words on how to talk the talk.
I think it was a famous city planner who said that if you build a statue or a sculpture or some similar object and put it on the sidewalk, you will often find several people looking at it and talking to each other about it, even if they don't know each other. The object is a perfect conversation starter. So I have developed a theory—the theory of the third—which says that neither person should start a conversation by talking about himself or the other person directly. Instead, you have to find a third subject, a third person, or an object to begin the conversation around.
I had a perfect example the other night. I was doing a crossword puzzle while waiting in line for a movie, and this guy next to me, whom I didn't know, said, "Well, you're four days late," because it was the Sunday crossword and this was a Thursday. And of course, even though he was commenting on something I was doing, it wasn't a question about me. It wasn't invasive—"What do you do?" "Who are you?" "What's your name?" It was something in between that we could converse about. At the same time, this guy was a little impudent—he was looking over my shoulder—and I liked that, too, but the fact is, he wasn't commenting on what I was wearing or really on anything about me. And because he just talked about the puzzle, it led to a conversation.
The theory of the third explains why the weather is such a common resort. Unfortunately, it's so common as to be clichéd, but at least it's an attempt at neutrality—like commenting on the interesting color of the wall you're standing next to. And that's the best way to start a conversation, with an attempt at neutrality. This sounds like lame advice, but it's not. What you're saying is "I'm not going to invade your privacy, and you're not going to invade mine. We'll test each other out by talking about something that seems inconsequential and see if we want to deepen this a bit."
Now, in terms of ending a conversation, I had an aunt who was a Quaker, and she and my uncle used to have people over for dinner, and sometimes when the guests got up to leave, they would trail on and on and on and just keep talking—until my aunt, who was a terrifically nice, cherubic person, would finally say, "Thee may go, or thee may stay, but don't ooze."
And by the way, the guy from the movie line? We're going to have lunch.
This story is part of O's Live Your Best Year Toolkit
MY THOUGHTS
small talk! it's hard enough to do with acquaintances. it's so much easier to do with stRangers. i like this "theory of the third". but there's still an issue of 'chemistry'. you can babble all you can about every imaginable topic. if there's no chemistry, you won't get beyond that first encounter.
By Daniel Menaker
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the January 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Hello, how are you, my name is...then what? From Daniel Menaker— editor, writer, conversationalist extraordinaire—a few words on how to talk the talk.
I think it was a famous city planner who said that if you build a statue or a sculpture or some similar object and put it on the sidewalk, you will often find several people looking at it and talking to each other about it, even if they don't know each other. The object is a perfect conversation starter. So I have developed a theory—the theory of the third—which says that neither person should start a conversation by talking about himself or the other person directly. Instead, you have to find a third subject, a third person, or an object to begin the conversation around.
I had a perfect example the other night. I was doing a crossword puzzle while waiting in line for a movie, and this guy next to me, whom I didn't know, said, "Well, you're four days late," because it was the Sunday crossword and this was a Thursday. And of course, even though he was commenting on something I was doing, it wasn't a question about me. It wasn't invasive—"What do you do?" "Who are you?" "What's your name?" It was something in between that we could converse about. At the same time, this guy was a little impudent—he was looking over my shoulder—and I liked that, too, but the fact is, he wasn't commenting on what I was wearing or really on anything about me. And because he just talked about the puzzle, it led to a conversation.
The theory of the third explains why the weather is such a common resort. Unfortunately, it's so common as to be clichéd, but at least it's an attempt at neutrality—like commenting on the interesting color of the wall you're standing next to. And that's the best way to start a conversation, with an attempt at neutrality. This sounds like lame advice, but it's not. What you're saying is "I'm not going to invade your privacy, and you're not going to invade mine. We'll test each other out by talking about something that seems inconsequential and see if we want to deepen this a bit."
Now, in terms of ending a conversation, I had an aunt who was a Quaker, and she and my uncle used to have people over for dinner, and sometimes when the guests got up to leave, they would trail on and on and on and just keep talking—until my aunt, who was a terrifically nice, cherubic person, would finally say, "Thee may go, or thee may stay, but don't ooze."
And by the way, the guy from the movie line? We're going to have lunch.
This story is part of O's Live Your Best Year Toolkit
MY THOUGHTS
small talk! it's hard enough to do with acquaintances. it's so much easier to do with stRangers. i like this "theory of the third". but there's still an issue of 'chemistry'. you can babble all you can about every imaginable topic. if there's no chemistry, you won't get beyond that first encounter.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT
JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT
from the article "Just Say What You Want, Dammit!"
How to Speak Up
By Ellen Tien
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the September 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Hanging back, dropping hints, and generally mousing around gets you nowhere and drives other people nuts. Here's what you should do instead.
"I want my husband to have more sex with me," a girlfriend remarks at lunch. "I feel like he rarely initiates it, and I want to do it more often."
"Did you tell him how you feel?" I ask, after the waiters have administered strong smelling salts and propped me back in my chair. "Don't you think that the first step might be saying that to him instead of me?"
"Honestly, I could never," she responds. "He would assume I was dissatisfied or accuse me of being a nag. But I've been buying lots of silk lingerie and sheer little nighties and making sure I look my best at bedtime, hoping to pique his interest. Besides, it's not like I necessarily want to have more sex per se, I just want him to want me to."
Right. So, she wants sex, but she doesn't want it. She merely wants her husband to want it so she can get what she wants—which, perversely, is something she doesn't particularly want. Wouldn't it cost less, both in mental and actual currency, if she were to sit out the dance, look him plain in the eye, and speak her mind? Why can't she say what she wants?
She's afraid that people will label her needy, bitchy, clingy, whiny. In other words, wanty. Wanty (known in Italy as volere, on New York's shrink-saturated Upper West Side as the id) is the hobgoblin who scrambles the signals so that wanting becomes a bad thing instead of a way to move forward. His cohorts are guilt and denial; his ace up the sleeve is fear of rejection.
What if I look stupid?
What if the answer is no?
What if, what if? So goes Wanty's refrain.
Wanty should not be confused with pure Want. Pure Want is the essence of living. It's the human condition, the slender quill that pricks the sectors of the soul, stimulating yearning or envy, desire or desperation. Nor should Wanty be mistaken for his cousin, Wishy, who pines for a more unattainable horizon and subsists on fountains glutted with coins, birthday candles, and the sternum bones of most poultry. Incidentally—spoiler alert—whoever grasps the wishbone higher up toward the joint will always win.
Wanty looks daggers at Wish and Want and shames them into silence. He flicks open the refrigerator door and slams it shut, thumbs through your credit card statements reproachfully, reaches out and shakes up your mind, juddering friendly old desires into unrecognizable enemies.
Do we even allow ourselves to know what we want?
"Where should we go for dinner?" I ask my husband.
"Wherever you want," he says.
I suggest a nice barbecue place around the corner. No, he says, he doesn't feel like barbecue. Chinese? No, he had Chinese food for lunch. Italian? No, too heavy. Thai? Too much like Chinese. Where, then, I repeat, does he want to go for dinner?
"I dunno. Wherever you want."
Kill me now.
Ellen Tien writes for the Styles section of The New York Times.
MY THOUGHTS
don't you just hate it when you get into conversations like this one? it get's tiring to be asked often - 'what do you want to eat", "where do you want to go?, "what movie do you want to see?", "what gift do you want me to get you?". hello?
i like being asked. but i prefer "would you like to see 'king's speech?".or "you want to eat pasta?"
from the article "Just Say What You Want, Dammit!"
How to Speak Up
By Ellen Tien
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the September 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Hanging back, dropping hints, and generally mousing around gets you nowhere and drives other people nuts. Here's what you should do instead.
"I want my husband to have more sex with me," a girlfriend remarks at lunch. "I feel like he rarely initiates it, and I want to do it more often."
"Did you tell him how you feel?" I ask, after the waiters have administered strong smelling salts and propped me back in my chair. "Don't you think that the first step might be saying that to him instead of me?"
"Honestly, I could never," she responds. "He would assume I was dissatisfied or accuse me of being a nag. But I've been buying lots of silk lingerie and sheer little nighties and making sure I look my best at bedtime, hoping to pique his interest. Besides, it's not like I necessarily want to have more sex per se, I just want him to want me to."
Right. So, she wants sex, but she doesn't want it. She merely wants her husband to want it so she can get what she wants—which, perversely, is something she doesn't particularly want. Wouldn't it cost less, both in mental and actual currency, if she were to sit out the dance, look him plain in the eye, and speak her mind? Why can't she say what she wants?
She's afraid that people will label her needy, bitchy, clingy, whiny. In other words, wanty. Wanty (known in Italy as volere, on New York's shrink-saturated Upper West Side as the id) is the hobgoblin who scrambles the signals so that wanting becomes a bad thing instead of a way to move forward. His cohorts are guilt and denial; his ace up the sleeve is fear of rejection.
What if I look stupid?
What if the answer is no?
What if, what if? So goes Wanty's refrain.
Wanty should not be confused with pure Want. Pure Want is the essence of living. It's the human condition, the slender quill that pricks the sectors of the soul, stimulating yearning or envy, desire or desperation. Nor should Wanty be mistaken for his cousin, Wishy, who pines for a more unattainable horizon and subsists on fountains glutted with coins, birthday candles, and the sternum bones of most poultry. Incidentally—spoiler alert—whoever grasps the wishbone higher up toward the joint will always win.
Wanty looks daggers at Wish and Want and shames them into silence. He flicks open the refrigerator door and slams it shut, thumbs through your credit card statements reproachfully, reaches out and shakes up your mind, juddering friendly old desires into unrecognizable enemies.
Do we even allow ourselves to know what we want?
"Where should we go for dinner?" I ask my husband.
"Wherever you want," he says.
I suggest a nice barbecue place around the corner. No, he says, he doesn't feel like barbecue. Chinese? No, he had Chinese food for lunch. Italian? No, too heavy. Thai? Too much like Chinese. Where, then, I repeat, does he want to go for dinner?
"I dunno. Wherever you want."
Kill me now.
Ellen Tien writes for the Styles section of The New York Times.
MY THOUGHTS
don't you just hate it when you get into conversations like this one? it get's tiring to be asked often - 'what do you want to eat", "where do you want to go?, "what movie do you want to see?", "what gift do you want me to get you?". hello?
i like being asked. but i prefer "would you like to see 'king's speech?".or "you want to eat pasta?"
Friday, February 11, 2011
KNOW WHEN TO SHUT UP
When to Speak Up...and When to Shut Up
By Dr. Peter D. Kramer
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the December 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Of all the advice that has drifted from psychotherapists' offices into couples' daily lives, the most overworked—and, I suspect, the most destructive—is the injunction to communicate. Be open, be honest, speak your mind, demand to be heard...well, yes, sometimes, maybe—if simple misunderstandings are at the root of your frustrations.
But how often, really, does one partner have no notion what's on the other's mind? When I evaluate a couple, it's not at all unusual for them to cite "communication" as a problem: "He'll say anything—he has no notion how he undermines me."
Rarely is the impasse caused by lack of information. Think how hard it is to keep a secret in an intimate relationship. But it is common for thoughtless speech to stir up discord. There may even be instances where silence is, as advertised, golden.
I am thinking of a story a husband told me in praise of his wife. He had come home on a Friday griping about his job. The managers were ratcheting up the pressure, and now an immediate supervisor was hinting that a promised promotion might not come through. His wife looked annoyed, but instead of speaking her mind, she puttered and listened and offered vague encouragement. On Saturday, she said, "About that supervisor—" And the husband interrupted: "I know. I'm going to have to confront him or go over his head."
"She could have laid it out for me the night before," the man told me. "She may have been thinking that I'm timid and insecure. Other women have said as much. But she was patient. She let me vent, let me spend a night mulling it over."
I asked him what his wife's silence meant. He said, "She has faith in me. She knows I'll do the right thing."
I like this story because it indicates where communication lies.
Communication is not just putting ideas into words. It's getting ideas across, preferably in a way that allows them to be used. Timing is crucial.
But what of spontaneity? Many people believe intimacy means being able to say what you think: "I'm through repressing my feelings. What good is a relationship if I can't express myself?"
I see the point in this objection. Women have been forced for too long to control their responses. We may admire Jane Austen's shrewd heroines, but we wouldn't want to live in a world that demands such extremes of social calculation. No one should have to weigh every syllable.
All the same, self-expression often benefits from forethought. That's why writers revise. Sometimes I think therapists have done great harm by overemphasizing immediacy in communication, as if the ideal marriage were like psychoanalysis from the patient's position, where you say whatever comes to mind without censorship.
MY THOUGHTS
of course! if we know when to speak, we should also know when to zip it. i hate it when i 'put my foot in my mouth". a minute, 5 minutes, maybe an hour of silence can save us a lot of misery. you should be tuned in to how your partner is feeling and know when it is best not to say anything -yet. the article did not say cut your tongue. it's suggesting we hold it until it's time to speak.
By Dr. Peter D. Kramer
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the December 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Of all the advice that has drifted from psychotherapists' offices into couples' daily lives, the most overworked—and, I suspect, the most destructive—is the injunction to communicate. Be open, be honest, speak your mind, demand to be heard...well, yes, sometimes, maybe—if simple misunderstandings are at the root of your frustrations.
But how often, really, does one partner have no notion what's on the other's mind? When I evaluate a couple, it's not at all unusual for them to cite "communication" as a problem: "He'll say anything—he has no notion how he undermines me."
Rarely is the impasse caused by lack of information. Think how hard it is to keep a secret in an intimate relationship. But it is common for thoughtless speech to stir up discord. There may even be instances where silence is, as advertised, golden.
I am thinking of a story a husband told me in praise of his wife. He had come home on a Friday griping about his job. The managers were ratcheting up the pressure, and now an immediate supervisor was hinting that a promised promotion might not come through. His wife looked annoyed, but instead of speaking her mind, she puttered and listened and offered vague encouragement. On Saturday, she said, "About that supervisor—" And the husband interrupted: "I know. I'm going to have to confront him or go over his head."
"She could have laid it out for me the night before," the man told me. "She may have been thinking that I'm timid and insecure. Other women have said as much. But she was patient. She let me vent, let me spend a night mulling it over."
I asked him what his wife's silence meant. He said, "She has faith in me. She knows I'll do the right thing."
I like this story because it indicates where communication lies.
Communication is not just putting ideas into words. It's getting ideas across, preferably in a way that allows them to be used. Timing is crucial.
But what of spontaneity? Many people believe intimacy means being able to say what you think: "I'm through repressing my feelings. What good is a relationship if I can't express myself?"
I see the point in this objection. Women have been forced for too long to control their responses. We may admire Jane Austen's shrewd heroines, but we wouldn't want to live in a world that demands such extremes of social calculation. No one should have to weigh every syllable.
All the same, self-expression often benefits from forethought. That's why writers revise. Sometimes I think therapists have done great harm by overemphasizing immediacy in communication, as if the ideal marriage were like psychoanalysis from the patient's position, where you say whatever comes to mind without censorship.
MY THOUGHTS
of course! if we know when to speak, we should also know when to zip it. i hate it when i 'put my foot in my mouth". a minute, 5 minutes, maybe an hour of silence can save us a lot of misery. you should be tuned in to how your partner is feeling and know when it is best not to say anything -yet. the article did not say cut your tongue. it's suggesting we hold it until it's time to speak.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR PARTNER
The Most Useful Communication Technique of All Time
By Darby Saxbe
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the March 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Communication isn't about how much you say but whether each person grasps the other's perspective. If your partner is a reluctant talker, you may be unwittingly fueling his reticence. When he states his case, do you launch a counterattack? Criticize his reasoning? Get upset? If so, he may keep quiet for a reason.
The Most Useful Communication Technique of All Time is deceptively simple, but it works like magic. Next time your partner makes a point, take a moment to digest whatever he is saying. Then say it back to him. Maybe not word for word, but you have to get the gist—and you can't stop trying until your partner agrees you've nailed it. Switch roles and repeat. Once you're not so busy explaining yourself to someone who just doesn't get it, you can look for compromise.
Before I started grad school and officially drank the psychotherapy Kool-Aid, I used to mock this technique as a way to wrap gauze around discord: "I'm hearing that you're a pathetic jerk." "Well, I'm hearing that you're a total loser." But once I tried it, I realized that "I'm hearing..." isn't just psychobabble. It telegraphs the message "I'm listening to you because what you have to tell me is important." And that's the single most important thing couples can say to each other.
MY THOUGHTS
if you have a partner that you can talk to, someone who listens and talks back to you, congratulations! a common complaint i hear from women is that they have to guess what their partner is thinking or feeling. well, i think some guessing and mystery can put some spice in relationships but it shouldn't be the dominant communication style between partners. i know, men in general are just not as upfront as women but there are a few out there. believe me. someone you can talk to about anything.
By Darby Saxbe
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the March 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Communication isn't about how much you say but whether each person grasps the other's perspective. If your partner is a reluctant talker, you may be unwittingly fueling his reticence. When he states his case, do you launch a counterattack? Criticize his reasoning? Get upset? If so, he may keep quiet for a reason.
The Most Useful Communication Technique of All Time is deceptively simple, but it works like magic. Next time your partner makes a point, take a moment to digest whatever he is saying. Then say it back to him. Maybe not word for word, but you have to get the gist—and you can't stop trying until your partner agrees you've nailed it. Switch roles and repeat. Once you're not so busy explaining yourself to someone who just doesn't get it, you can look for compromise.
Before I started grad school and officially drank the psychotherapy Kool-Aid, I used to mock this technique as a way to wrap gauze around discord: "I'm hearing that you're a pathetic jerk." "Well, I'm hearing that you're a total loser." But once I tried it, I realized that "I'm hearing..." isn't just psychobabble. It telegraphs the message "I'm listening to you because what you have to tell me is important." And that's the single most important thing couples can say to each other.
MY THOUGHTS
if you have a partner that you can talk to, someone who listens and talks back to you, congratulations! a common complaint i hear from women is that they have to guess what their partner is thinking or feeling. well, i think some guessing and mystery can put some spice in relationships but it shouldn't be the dominant communication style between partners. i know, men in general are just not as upfront as women but there are a few out there. believe me. someone you can talk to about anything.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
WAYS TO MAKE YOURSELF HEARD
How to Talk So People Really Listen: 4 Ways To Make Yourself Heard
By Tim Jarvis
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the November 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Ever feel as if you're speaking with the mute button on? Here's how to get people to listen.
Didn't you explain how to hand-dry the sweater? What part of "trim" did the hair-hacking stylist not understand? And weren't you the one who first brought up the idea that just flew from your colleague's lips and is now "the most genius thing" your boss has ever heard?
Some people, it seems, could command attention while reciting a list of fertilizer chemicals; others are ignored no matter what they have to say. "There's a whole skill set involved in being heard," says John Gray, PhD, author of Why Mars and Venus Collide. It all starts with noticing how others are reacting to you. A few talking points:
1. When you're trying to be helpful, do others avoid making eye contact with you? Do they interrupt or show little interest in your point of view? You may be coming across as a know-it-all, or your advice could sound like criticism, Gray says. Eventually people may stop listening to your ideas altogether. Next time you have a suggestion, try asking, "Would you like to know what I think?" Or "I have a different perspective—would you like to hear it?"
2. While you're talking, do people check their BlackBerries or make you feel like you're wasting their time? Tony Alessandra, PhD, author of Charisma: Seven Keys to Developing the Magnetism that Leads to Success, says you may be losing your audience due to a discrepancy in communication styles. "Some people respond to emotion and storytelling, while others need you to get to the point," he explains. Note how fast the other person speaks and try to match his speed: If you talk too slowly to a fast-paced communicator, his mind may wander; if you talk too rapidly to a slower-paced person, he may feel flustered and tune out.
3. Do friends drift off while you're pouring your heart out? According to Gray, many women like to commiserate—talking about problems not in order to fix them but simply to share them as a way to reduce stress. But some people—particularly men—hear such talk as a burdensome request for help. "Let your friend or coworker know that you just want to vent for a few minutes about what's going on," Gray advises, "and tell him that he doesn't have to say or do anything about it. That releases him from assuming that he must offer a solution."
4. No matter what, you can't go wrong by showing interest in what other people say and making them feel important. In other words, the better you listen, the more you'll be listened to.
MY THOUGHTS
i think #4 is called the golden rule? and i agree. totally. people tend to listen to people who listen. makes a lot of sense, too. if you listen to others first, you'll be more aware of the situation, of the state of mind (and affairs) of the other person. that will help when you speak out. you can say what the other person will most likely want to hear. therefore, you have a listener. a willing one at that.
By Tim Jarvis
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the November 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Ever feel as if you're speaking with the mute button on? Here's how to get people to listen.
Didn't you explain how to hand-dry the sweater? What part of "trim" did the hair-hacking stylist not understand? And weren't you the one who first brought up the idea that just flew from your colleague's lips and is now "the most genius thing" your boss has ever heard?
Some people, it seems, could command attention while reciting a list of fertilizer chemicals; others are ignored no matter what they have to say. "There's a whole skill set involved in being heard," says John Gray, PhD, author of Why Mars and Venus Collide. It all starts with noticing how others are reacting to you. A few talking points:
1. When you're trying to be helpful, do others avoid making eye contact with you? Do they interrupt or show little interest in your point of view? You may be coming across as a know-it-all, or your advice could sound like criticism, Gray says. Eventually people may stop listening to your ideas altogether. Next time you have a suggestion, try asking, "Would you like to know what I think?" Or "I have a different perspective—would you like to hear it?"
2. While you're talking, do people check their BlackBerries or make you feel like you're wasting their time? Tony Alessandra, PhD, author of Charisma: Seven Keys to Developing the Magnetism that Leads to Success, says you may be losing your audience due to a discrepancy in communication styles. "Some people respond to emotion and storytelling, while others need you to get to the point," he explains. Note how fast the other person speaks and try to match his speed: If you talk too slowly to a fast-paced communicator, his mind may wander; if you talk too rapidly to a slower-paced person, he may feel flustered and tune out.
3. Do friends drift off while you're pouring your heart out? According to Gray, many women like to commiserate—talking about problems not in order to fix them but simply to share them as a way to reduce stress. But some people—particularly men—hear such talk as a burdensome request for help. "Let your friend or coworker know that you just want to vent for a few minutes about what's going on," Gray advises, "and tell him that he doesn't have to say or do anything about it. That releases him from assuming that he must offer a solution."
4. No matter what, you can't go wrong by showing interest in what other people say and making them feel important. In other words, the better you listen, the more you'll be listened to.
MY THOUGHTS
i think #4 is called the golden rule? and i agree. totally. people tend to listen to people who listen. makes a lot of sense, too. if you listen to others first, you'll be more aware of the situation, of the state of mind (and affairs) of the other person. that will help when you speak out. you can say what the other person will most likely want to hear. therefore, you have a listener. a willing one at that.
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