COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR PARTNER

The Most Useful Communication Technique of All Time
By Darby Saxbe
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the March 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Communication isn't about how much you say but whether each person grasps the other's perspective. If your partner is a reluctant talker, you may be unwittingly fueling his reticence. When he states his case, do you launch a counterattack? Criticize his reasoning? Get upset? If so, he may keep quiet for a reason.

The Most Useful Communication Technique of All Time is deceptively simple, but it works like magic. Next time your partner makes a point, take a moment to digest whatever he is saying. Then say it back to him. Maybe not word for word, but you have to get the gist—and you can't stop trying until your partner agrees you've nailed it. Switch roles and repeat. Once you're not so busy explaining yourself to someone who just doesn't get it, you can look for compromise.

Before I started grad school and officially drank the psychotherapy Kool-Aid, I used to mock this technique as a way to wrap gauze around discord: "I'm hearing that you're a pathetic jerk." "Well, I'm hearing that you're a total loser." But once I tried it, I realized that "I'm hearing..." isn't just psychobabble. It telegraphs the message "I'm listening to you because what you have to tell me is important." And that's the single most important thing couples can say to each other.

MY THOUGHTS

if you have a partner that you can talk to, someone who listens and talks back to you, congratulations! a common complaint i hear from women is that they have to guess what their partner is thinking or feeling. well, i think some guessing and mystery can put some spice in relationships but it shouldn't be the dominant communication style between partners. i know, men in general are just not as upfront as women but there are a few out there. believe me. someone you can talk to about anything.