Being too close to your spouse isn't good at all!
Press Trust Of India
Posted on Jan 22, 2011 at 05:45pm IST
London: Do you feel that your spouse doesn't understand you? It may be because you are too close to each other, scientists say.
Psychologists at the University of Chicago and Williams College in Massachusetts found that when two people know each other too well they assume they share too much knowledge and their language becomes dangerously ambiguous.
This "closeness communication bias" can lead to long term misunderstandings, rows and even relationship problems, they said.
The researchers found that often couples and good friends communicate with each other no better than they do with strangers. Sometimes they are clearer with strangers because they assume no common knowledge.
This is a dangerous phenomenon which could cause marital discords, warned Prof Boaz Keysar, the co-author of the study.
"People commonly believe that they communicate better with close friends than with strangers," Prof Keysar was quoted as saying by The Telegraph.
"That closeness can lead people to overestimate how well they communicate. Your language can become so ambiguous. The brain becomes lazy," he said.
"But it can backfire and the misunderstanding can lead to rows in the future."
To prove their theory, Prof Keysar and his team recruited 24 married couples. The spouses sat in chairs with their backs to each other and tried to discern the meaning of each other's ambiguous phrases.
The researchers used common phrases to see if the spouses were better at understanding phrases from their partners than from people they did not know.
It was also found that spouses consistently overestimated their ability to communicate, and did so more with their partners than with strangers.
Prof Kenneth Savitsky said: "A wife who says to her husband, 'it's getting hot in here,' as a hint for her husband to turn up the air conditioning a notch, may be surprised when he interprets her statement as a coy, amorous advance instead.
"Some couples may indeed be on the same wavelength, but maybe not as much as they think. You get rushed and preoccupied, and you stop taking the perspective of the other person, precisely because the two of you are so close."
A similar experiment with 60 Williams College students showed that the phenomenon also applies to close friends.
"Our problem in communicating with friends and spouses is that we have an illusion of insight. Getting close to someone appears to create the illusion of understanding more than actual understanding," said co-author Prof Nicholas Epley.
That's why, Prof Savitsky added, it's always important to bear in mind the point of view of others no matter how close to them you are.
The study is published in the journal of Experimental Social Psychology.
MY THOUGHTS
so, have you put a finger to your relationship woes? could be true, right? we get so comfortable with someone, we assume we will be understood despite our ambiguity. or we think we know the other person so much that we understand perfectly what is being said. or not being said. well, at least you're talking to each other. you're in deep trouble if your dinner time feels like someone died.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Improving Your Negotiating Skills
Negotiating to Win – 10 Tips for Improving Your Negotiating Skills
Oct. 26 2010 - 2:15 pm | 659 views | 1 recommendation | 2 comments
Posted by Lisa Quast
In today’s business world, being a good negotiator can make a big difference in your career. Not only can it help you in your career, such as earning more money (by negotiating a raise), earning a higher title (by negotiating a promotion), or obtaining budget money (to take on a prominent project), but it can also help you in your personal life…such as agreeing on bedtimes with the kids or what show to watch on the television with your husband. How good of a negotiator are you??
No matter what the topic for discussion, successfully negotiating to achieve your goals requires thought and practice. I’ve seen women go from being terrified of negotiating to loving it. How? They changed their approach and started thinking about negotiating as 1) a simple process to follow; 2) a thoughtful interaction with other people; and 3) a way to determine even better solutions.
Try my following ten tips and see if they help you improve your negotiating skills:
1. Do your homework: Research the topic and think through your options before you hold the discussion.
2. See the situation from all angles: Try to understand where the other person is coming from; try asking them to tell you about their needs and key concerns.
3. Clearly define your goals: Prior to the discussion, make sure you’re clear on not only what you want, but your “walk-away” point (the minimum outcome you’re willing to accept).
4. Determine the best timing for the discussion: You’ll want enough time for the discussion and to hold it when all parties are relaxed and not emotional.
5. Remain calm and avoid getting emotional: The more emotional you become, the more clouded your thinking will become.
6. Listen, listen, and listen some more: Spend more time listening than talking.
7. Ask for what you want: Don’t be afraid to explain your needs and what you’d like to see occur as an outcome, but do so calmly and in a non-confrontational tone of voice.
8. Avoid finger-pointing: Focus on the issues, not on personalities.
9. Find a creative solution: Think win/win, not that someone must walk away a winner and the other a loser. There’s nothing wrong with working together to determine creative ways that the needs of both parties can be met.
10. Remember that there will always be a tomorrow: If the discussions head in a wrong direction and tempers flare, it’s okay to recommend picking up the discussion on another day once everyone has an opportunity to take a step back, relax, and think.
Let me know how these tips worked for you, or, if you have other tips women can use to improve their skills at negotiating then please share them in the “Comments” section.
~ Lisa Quast
MY THOUGHTS
in negotiations, the best strategy is habit 5 of the 7 habits. "seek first to understand, then to be understood". in other words, shut up first. listen with all your senses. and your heart. listening first helps you to understand what you're up against. in most cases, people appreciates being listened to. which means that the other party will be more open to you since you gave him/her the floor first.
Oct. 26 2010 - 2:15 pm | 659 views | 1 recommendation | 2 comments
Posted by Lisa Quast
In today’s business world, being a good negotiator can make a big difference in your career. Not only can it help you in your career, such as earning more money (by negotiating a raise), earning a higher title (by negotiating a promotion), or obtaining budget money (to take on a prominent project), but it can also help you in your personal life…such as agreeing on bedtimes with the kids or what show to watch on the television with your husband. How good of a negotiator are you??
No matter what the topic for discussion, successfully negotiating to achieve your goals requires thought and practice. I’ve seen women go from being terrified of negotiating to loving it. How? They changed their approach and started thinking about negotiating as 1) a simple process to follow; 2) a thoughtful interaction with other people; and 3) a way to determine even better solutions.
Try my following ten tips and see if they help you improve your negotiating skills:
1. Do your homework: Research the topic and think through your options before you hold the discussion.
2. See the situation from all angles: Try to understand where the other person is coming from; try asking them to tell you about their needs and key concerns.
3. Clearly define your goals: Prior to the discussion, make sure you’re clear on not only what you want, but your “walk-away” point (the minimum outcome you’re willing to accept).
4. Determine the best timing for the discussion: You’ll want enough time for the discussion and to hold it when all parties are relaxed and not emotional.
5. Remain calm and avoid getting emotional: The more emotional you become, the more clouded your thinking will become.
6. Listen, listen, and listen some more: Spend more time listening than talking.
7. Ask for what you want: Don’t be afraid to explain your needs and what you’d like to see occur as an outcome, but do so calmly and in a non-confrontational tone of voice.
8. Avoid finger-pointing: Focus on the issues, not on personalities.
9. Find a creative solution: Think win/win, not that someone must walk away a winner and the other a loser. There’s nothing wrong with working together to determine creative ways that the needs of both parties can be met.
10. Remember that there will always be a tomorrow: If the discussions head in a wrong direction and tempers flare, it’s okay to recommend picking up the discussion on another day once everyone has an opportunity to take a step back, relax, and think.
Let me know how these tips worked for you, or, if you have other tips women can use to improve their skills at negotiating then please share them in the “Comments” section.
~ Lisa Quast
MY THOUGHTS
in negotiations, the best strategy is habit 5 of the 7 habits. "seek first to understand, then to be understood". in other words, shut up first. listen with all your senses. and your heart. listening first helps you to understand what you're up against. in most cases, people appreciates being listened to. which means that the other party will be more open to you since you gave him/her the floor first.
Friday, January 21, 2011
How to Say the Right Things at the Right Time at Work
How to Say the Right Things at the Right Time at Work
By Althea DeBrule, eHow Member
Did you know that what comes out of your mouth reflects what's in your heart? It has been estimated that on a weekly basis, the average person speaks more than 200,000 words-enough to fill a 500 page book! Words are powerful and extremely concentrated! When spoken in too large quantities. They can affect emotions and attitudes. They germinate readily when spoken; therefore, you must learn to bite your tongue and be careful about what and how you say things. It's not always right to speak out and express whatever pops into your mind. This article explains what to do to tame your tongue at work.
Difficulty: Moderately Easy
Instructions
1
Refuse to participate in, listen to, or tolerate negative things including backbiting and gossip that is said about another person. If you tell people you will not participate, they will stop including you in these types of conversations. So, speak up!
2
Watch your tone and attitude. Encourage and boost the self-esteem of those you talk to by allowing words of praise and encouragement to come out of your mouth. The tone and attitude behind your words can work miracles or do far greater damage than the words themselves.
3
Think positively. Look on the bright side of things. Develop a positive mental attitude about people. Believe it or not, this will brighten your personality and bring you contentment.
4
Practice being patient. I know this is hard to do sometimes, but when you're waiting for a new assignment or help on an existing one, find something productive to think about or do like reading and responding to your emails, or planning the rest of your day.
5
Learn to cope instead of blurting out your displeasure. A common definition of insanity is doing the things you've always done, yet expecting the result to be different. We live in an imperfect world, yet we continue to expect it to somehow be perfect. Stop wasting precious time and energy! Instead, consider even the smallest annoyance a challenge to overcome. Just think of the sweet sense of accomplishment you'll receive once you've succeeded in tackling it.
6
Stop whining and complaining. Whining and complaining are energy-draining. Liberal doses of this highly toxic stuff leads to bitterness and ultimately poor health. Avoid complaining about things or people you can't control. Think of solutions and strategies to handle the things you can control without complaining.
7
Respond graciously to criticism. Give yourself a few moments to think about your response before you charge in mouth-first. Re-word your statement to be more effective. Make your point graciously and in a professional and convincing manner.
8
When you've put your foot in your mouth and blurted out a tactless or tasteless remark, apologize as swiftly and sincerely as possible and simply say the words you wish you had said.
9
Practice makes perfect. Train yourself to think and act differently. Prepare ahead of time by practicing what you will say in various situations. When you know you are about to engage in a confrontation that will test your temper, write out what you will say and practice it out loud before you meet with the other person.
10
Forgive yourself as well as others. When you blow it, don't panic. Forgive yourself first, and then make amends to the other person as well. Every person needs forgiveness and needs to forgive. The first
response when hurt is usually a reactive one of resentment, revenge and avoidance. Forgiveness allows you to be proactive and to put all the hurt and injustice of the past behind you once and for all.
MY THOUGHTS
ouch and double ouch. the sins of the tongue are truly hard to curb. i can be called insane given the way the author defined insanity. and i'm not gonna deny it. i'm not your average 200,000 words per week person. double that number and you're probably not even close. especially when i'm angry. my brain and my tongue seem to be in very close partnership. God help me!
By Althea DeBrule, eHow Member
Did you know that what comes out of your mouth reflects what's in your heart? It has been estimated that on a weekly basis, the average person speaks more than 200,000 words-enough to fill a 500 page book! Words are powerful and extremely concentrated! When spoken in too large quantities. They can affect emotions and attitudes. They germinate readily when spoken; therefore, you must learn to bite your tongue and be careful about what and how you say things. It's not always right to speak out and express whatever pops into your mind. This article explains what to do to tame your tongue at work.
Difficulty: Moderately Easy
Instructions
1
Refuse to participate in, listen to, or tolerate negative things including backbiting and gossip that is said about another person. If you tell people you will not participate, they will stop including you in these types of conversations. So, speak up!
2
Watch your tone and attitude. Encourage and boost the self-esteem of those you talk to by allowing words of praise and encouragement to come out of your mouth. The tone and attitude behind your words can work miracles or do far greater damage than the words themselves.
3
Think positively. Look on the bright side of things. Develop a positive mental attitude about people. Believe it or not, this will brighten your personality and bring you contentment.
4
Practice being patient. I know this is hard to do sometimes, but when you're waiting for a new assignment or help on an existing one, find something productive to think about or do like reading and responding to your emails, or planning the rest of your day.
5
Learn to cope instead of blurting out your displeasure. A common definition of insanity is doing the things you've always done, yet expecting the result to be different. We live in an imperfect world, yet we continue to expect it to somehow be perfect. Stop wasting precious time and energy! Instead, consider even the smallest annoyance a challenge to overcome. Just think of the sweet sense of accomplishment you'll receive once you've succeeded in tackling it.
6
Stop whining and complaining. Whining and complaining are energy-draining. Liberal doses of this highly toxic stuff leads to bitterness and ultimately poor health. Avoid complaining about things or people you can't control. Think of solutions and strategies to handle the things you can control without complaining.
7
Respond graciously to criticism. Give yourself a few moments to think about your response before you charge in mouth-first. Re-word your statement to be more effective. Make your point graciously and in a professional and convincing manner.
8
When you've put your foot in your mouth and blurted out a tactless or tasteless remark, apologize as swiftly and sincerely as possible and simply say the words you wish you had said.
9
Practice makes perfect. Train yourself to think and act differently. Prepare ahead of time by practicing what you will say in various situations. When you know you are about to engage in a confrontation that will test your temper, write out what you will say and practice it out loud before you meet with the other person.
10
Forgive yourself as well as others. When you blow it, don't panic. Forgive yourself first, and then make amends to the other person as well. Every person needs forgiveness and needs to forgive. The first
response when hurt is usually a reactive one of resentment, revenge and avoidance. Forgiveness allows you to be proactive and to put all the hurt and injustice of the past behind you once and for all.
MY THOUGHTS
ouch and double ouch. the sins of the tongue are truly hard to curb. i can be called insane given the way the author defined insanity. and i'm not gonna deny it. i'm not your average 200,000 words per week person. double that number and you're probably not even close. especially when i'm angry. my brain and my tongue seem to be in very close partnership. God help me!
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