How to Say the Right Things at the Right Time at Work

How to Say the Right Things at the Right Time at Work
By Althea DeBrule, eHow Member

Did you know that what comes out of your mouth reflects what's in your heart? It has been estimated that on a weekly basis, the average person speaks more than 200,000 words-enough to fill a 500 page book! Words are powerful and extremely concentrated! When spoken in too large quantities. They can affect emotions and attitudes. They germinate readily when spoken; therefore, you must learn to bite your tongue and be careful about what and how you say things. It's not always right to speak out and express whatever pops into your mind. This article explains what to do to tame your tongue at work.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy
Instructions

1

Refuse to participate in, listen to, or tolerate negative things including backbiting and gossip that is said about another person. If you tell people you will not participate, they will stop including you in these types of conversations. So, speak up!

2

Watch your tone and attitude. Encourage and boost the self-esteem of those you talk to by allowing words of praise and encouragement to come out of your mouth. The tone and attitude behind your words can work miracles or do far greater damage than the words themselves.

3

Think positively. Look on the bright side of things. Develop a positive mental attitude about people. Believe it or not, this will brighten your personality and bring you contentment.

4

Practice being patient. I know this is hard to do sometimes, but when you're waiting for a new assignment or help on an existing one, find something productive to think about or do like reading and responding to your emails, or planning the rest of your day.

5

Learn to cope instead of blurting out your displeasure. A common definition of insanity is doing the things you've always done, yet expecting the result to be different. We live in an imperfect world, yet we continue to expect it to somehow be perfect. Stop wasting precious time and energy! Instead, consider even the smallest annoyance a challenge to overcome. Just think of the sweet sense of accomplishment you'll receive once you've succeeded in tackling it.

6

Stop whining and complaining. Whining and complaining are energy-draining. Liberal doses of this highly toxic stuff leads to bitterness and ultimately poor health. Avoid complaining about things or people you can't control. Think of solutions and strategies to handle the things you can control without complaining.

7

Respond graciously to criticism. Give yourself a few moments to think about your response before you charge in mouth-first. Re-word your statement to be more effective. Make your point graciously and in a professional and convincing manner.

8

When you've put your foot in your mouth and blurted out a tactless or tasteless remark, apologize as swiftly and sincerely as possible and simply say the words you wish you had said.

9

Practice makes perfect. Train yourself to think and act differently. Prepare ahead of time by practicing what you will say in various situations. When you know you are about to engage in a confrontation that will test your temper, write out what you will say and practice it out loud before you meet with the other person.

10

Forgive yourself as well as others. When you blow it, don't panic. Forgive yourself first, and then make amends to the other person as well. Every person needs forgiveness and needs to forgive. The first
response when hurt is usually a reactive one of resentment, revenge and avoidance. Forgiveness allows you to be proactive and to put all the hurt and injustice of the past behind you once and for all.

MY THOUGHTS

ouch and double ouch. the sins of the tongue are truly hard to curb. i can be called insane given the way the author defined insanity. and i'm not gonna deny it. i'm not your average 200,000 words per week person. double that number and you're probably not even close. especially when i'm angry. my brain and my tongue seem to be in very close partnership. God help me!

developing communication skills in assertiveness

How To Learn Assertive Communication In Five Simple Steps
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: December 19, 2007
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board

Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships, reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. A polite but assertive ‘no’ to excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. Assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress.

Difficulty: Average

Time Required: Very Little Extra Time

Here's How:

1. When approaching someone about behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done that’s upset you, rather than labels or judgments.

Here’s an example:

Situation:
Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your plans, has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date.

Inappropriate: "You’re so rude! You’re always late."

Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50."

2. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just describe:

Inappropriate: “Now lunch is ruined.”

Assertive Communication: “Now I have less time to spend lunching because I still need to be back to work by 1pm.”

3. Use “I Messages”. Simply put, if you start a sentence off with “You”, it comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I”, the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame.

For example:

‘You Message’: “You need to stop that!”

‘I Message’: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”

4. Here’s a great formula that puts it all together:

“When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].”

When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example:

“When you yell, I feel attacked.”

5. A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this:

“When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”

Here are some examples:

“When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.”

“When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.”

Tips:

1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax.
2. Use a firm, but pleasant, tone.
3. Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative.
4. When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view as well.
5. Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both get your needs met.

MY THOUGTHS

Dealing with negative behavior is very challenging. Instead of backing off and not saying anything, developing communication skills to be assertive will eventually lead to improved behavior and improved relationships. Diplomacy is the key. When we develop our assertive communication skills, we become constructive instead of constructive.