Developing Good Eye Contact
By Arlin Cuncic, About.com
Updated: January 25, 2009
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board
Eye contact is an important aspect of social interaction, and it is something that many shy and socially anxious people have difficulty with. Often people with social anxiety describe looking someone in the eyes as anxiety-provoking and uncomfortable. This is likely due, in part, to genetic wiring -- studies have shown that people diagnosed with social anxiety disorder (SAD) have a stronger fear response than others. If you have SAD, the part of your brain that warns you of danger can be set off by something as simple as the gaze of a stranger.
Fortunately, with proper treatment including cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or medication, most people with SAD can learn to overcome this fear response and maintain better eye contact -- a key aspect of effective communication with others.
Communications expert Robert Graham offers training in delivering presentations, and one of his tips for good eye contact can be translated into conversational settings when speaking to more than one person:
When speaking to a group of people, instead of thinking of the group as a whole, imagine that you are having individual conversations with one person in the group at a time.
As you speak, choose one person in the group and pretend that you are talking just with that person. Look at him as you finish your thought or sentence. As you begin a new sentence or idea, choose another person in the group and look her in the eye as you finish your thought. Make sure that you eventually include everyone in the group.
What if looking someone in the eye is still too difficult? Choose a spot directly between or slightly above the listener’s eyes. If this doesn’t feel comfortable, try letting your eyes go slightly out of focus. This has the added benefit of softening and relaxing your gaze. Staring too intensely will turn people off and make them uncomfortable.
By employing some of these strategies for good eye contact, you will make your listeners feel more connected and increase the likelihood that you will feel more comfortable when speaking to a group of people.
MY THOUGHTS
Speaking to someone who doesn't look you in the eye can be uncomfortable, even disturbing. Knowing how to make eye contact should be part of anybody's attempt in developing communication skills. When we make eye contact, we establish a connection, we show we care about the conversation, that the other person has our attention. To me, this shows respect. If we cannot show respect to the person we're talking to, then we are in serious need of developing our communication skills.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
developing communication skills in listening
How To Build Friendships With Good Listening Skills
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: February 11, 2008
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board
Good listening skills are vital to healthy relationships. Whether you're strengtheing a relationship, resolving a conflict, or offering support in a facing a crisis, good listening skills can be a lifeline to peace. Learn how to be a truly supportive listener, and you may find yourself surrounded by others who are able to do the same. Here are some important steps to developing good listening skills:
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Varies, Depending On The Situation
Here's How:
1. Listen, Listen, Listen. Ask your friend what’s wrong, and really listen to the answer. Let them vent their fears, frustrations and other important feelings, maintaining eye contact and showing that you’re interested in what they have to say. Resist the urge to give advice, and just let them get it out.
2. Reframe What You Hear. Summarize and repeat back your understanding of what they’re saying so they know you’re hearing them, and focus on the emotions they might be feeling. For example, if your friend is talking about family problems, you might find yourself saying, “It looks like things are getting pretty hostile. You sound like you’re feeling hurt.”
3. Ask About Feelings. Ask them to expand on what they’re feeling. Asking about their feelings provides a good emotional release and might be more helpful than just focusing on the facts of their situation.
4. Keep The Focus On Them. Rather than delving into a related story of your own, keep the focus on them until they feel better. You can reference something that happened to you if you bring the focus back to them quickly. They will appreciate the focused attention, and this will help them feel genuinely cared for and understood.
5. Help Brainstorm. Rather than giving advice in the beginning, which cuts off further exploration of feelings and other communication, wait until they’ve gotten their feelings out, and then help them brainstorm solutions. If you help them come up with ideas and look at the pros and cons of each, they’re likely to come up with a solution they feel good about. Or they might feel better after just being able to talk and feeling heard.
Tips:
1. Stay Present. Sometimes people feign listening, but they’re really just waiting for their friend to stop talking so they can say whatever they’ve been mentally rehearsing while they’ve been pretending to listen. People can usually sense this, and it doesn’t feel good. Also, they tend to miss what’s being said because they’re not focused.
2. Don’t Give Advice. It’s common to want to immediately give advice and ‘fix’ your friend’s problem. Unless it's specifically requested, don’t. While you’re trying to help, what would work for you might not work for your friend; also, advice can feel condescending. Unless they ask directly for advice, your friend probably just wants to feel heard and understood, and then can find his or her own solutions.
3. Trust The Process. It might feel a little scary to listen to feelings before diving into solutions, and hearing your friend talk about upset feelings might even make you feel helpless. But usually offering a supportive ear and sitting with your friend in an uncomfortable place is the most helpful thing you can do, and once the feelings are cleared out, the solutions can start coming.
4. Let Things Even Out Over Time. With all this focus on your friend’s problems, it might be difficult not to focus equal time on your own. Relax in the knowledge that, when you need a friend, your friend will likely be a better listener for you. If you’re consistently doing all the giving, you can re-evaluate the dynamics of the relationship. But being a good listener can make you a stronger, more caring person and bring a more supportive angle to your relationships.
MY THOUGHTS
Listening is indeed crucial to developing communication skills - not only at work but in our personal lives. Developing communication skills is not merely about speaking. It is, firstly, about listening. Habit # 5 in the habits of effectivess says, understand first. This means listening first. People who are continually developing their communication skills become better and better as listeners.
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: February 11, 2008
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board
Good listening skills are vital to healthy relationships. Whether you're strengtheing a relationship, resolving a conflict, or offering support in a facing a crisis, good listening skills can be a lifeline to peace. Learn how to be a truly supportive listener, and you may find yourself surrounded by others who are able to do the same. Here are some important steps to developing good listening skills:
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Varies, Depending On The Situation
Here's How:
1. Listen, Listen, Listen. Ask your friend what’s wrong, and really listen to the answer. Let them vent their fears, frustrations and other important feelings, maintaining eye contact and showing that you’re interested in what they have to say. Resist the urge to give advice, and just let them get it out.
2. Reframe What You Hear. Summarize and repeat back your understanding of what they’re saying so they know you’re hearing them, and focus on the emotions they might be feeling. For example, if your friend is talking about family problems, you might find yourself saying, “It looks like things are getting pretty hostile. You sound like you’re feeling hurt.”
3. Ask About Feelings. Ask them to expand on what they’re feeling. Asking about their feelings provides a good emotional release and might be more helpful than just focusing on the facts of their situation.
4. Keep The Focus On Them. Rather than delving into a related story of your own, keep the focus on them until they feel better. You can reference something that happened to you if you bring the focus back to them quickly. They will appreciate the focused attention, and this will help them feel genuinely cared for and understood.
5. Help Brainstorm. Rather than giving advice in the beginning, which cuts off further exploration of feelings and other communication, wait until they’ve gotten their feelings out, and then help them brainstorm solutions. If you help them come up with ideas and look at the pros and cons of each, they’re likely to come up with a solution they feel good about. Or they might feel better after just being able to talk and feeling heard.
Tips:
1. Stay Present. Sometimes people feign listening, but they’re really just waiting for their friend to stop talking so they can say whatever they’ve been mentally rehearsing while they’ve been pretending to listen. People can usually sense this, and it doesn’t feel good. Also, they tend to miss what’s being said because they’re not focused.
2. Don’t Give Advice. It’s common to want to immediately give advice and ‘fix’ your friend’s problem. Unless it's specifically requested, don’t. While you’re trying to help, what would work for you might not work for your friend; also, advice can feel condescending. Unless they ask directly for advice, your friend probably just wants to feel heard and understood, and then can find his or her own solutions.
3. Trust The Process. It might feel a little scary to listen to feelings before diving into solutions, and hearing your friend talk about upset feelings might even make you feel helpless. But usually offering a supportive ear and sitting with your friend in an uncomfortable place is the most helpful thing you can do, and once the feelings are cleared out, the solutions can start coming.
4. Let Things Even Out Over Time. With all this focus on your friend’s problems, it might be difficult not to focus equal time on your own. Relax in the knowledge that, when you need a friend, your friend will likely be a better listener for you. If you’re consistently doing all the giving, you can re-evaluate the dynamics of the relationship. But being a good listener can make you a stronger, more caring person and bring a more supportive angle to your relationships.
MY THOUGHTS
Listening is indeed crucial to developing communication skills - not only at work but in our personal lives. Developing communication skills is not merely about speaking. It is, firstly, about listening. Habit # 5 in the habits of effectivess says, understand first. This means listening first. People who are continually developing their communication skills become better and better as listeners.
developing communication skills in assertiveness
How To Learn Assertive Communication In Five Simple Steps
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: December 19, 2007
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board
Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships, reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. A polite but assertive ‘no’ to excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. Assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Very Little Extra Time
Here's How:
1. When approaching someone about behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done that’s upset you, rather than labels or judgments.
Here’s an example:
Situation:
Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your plans, has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date.
Inappropriate: "You’re so rude! You’re always late."
Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50."
2. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just describe:
Inappropriate: “Now lunch is ruined.”
Assertive Communication: “Now I have less time to spend lunching because I still need to be back to work by 1pm.”
3. Use “I Messages”. Simply put, if you start a sentence off with “You”, it comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I”, the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame.
For example:
‘You Message’: “You need to stop that!”
‘I Message’: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”
4. Here’s a great formula that puts it all together:
“When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].”
When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example:
“When you yell, I feel attacked.”
5. A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this:
“When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”
Here are some examples:
“When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.”
“When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.”
Tips:
1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax.
2. Use a firm, but pleasant, tone.
3. Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative.
4. When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view as well.
5. Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both get your needs met.
MY THOUGTHS
Dealing with negative behavior is very challenging. Instead of backing off and not saying anything, developing communication skills to be assertive will eventually lead to improved behavior and improved relationships. Diplomacy is the key. When we develop our assertive communication skills, we become constructive instead of constructive.
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: December 19, 2007
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board
Assertive communication can strengthen your relationships, reducing stress from conflict and providing you with social support when facing difficult times. A polite but assertive ‘no’ to excessive requests from others will enable you to avoid overloading your schedule and promote balance in your life. Assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Very Little Extra Time
Here's How:
1. When approaching someone about behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done that’s upset you, rather than labels or judgments.
Here’s an example:
Situation:
Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your plans, has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date.
Inappropriate: "You’re so rude! You’re always late."
Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50."
2. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just describe:
Inappropriate: “Now lunch is ruined.”
Assertive Communication: “Now I have less time to spend lunching because I still need to be back to work by 1pm.”
3. Use “I Messages”. Simply put, if you start a sentence off with “You”, it comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I”, the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame.
For example:
‘You Message’: “You need to stop that!”
‘I Message’: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”
4. Here’s a great formula that puts it all together:
“When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].”
When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example:
“When you yell, I feel attacked.”
5. A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this:
“When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”
Here are some examples:
“When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.”
“When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.”
Tips:
1. Make sure your body reflects confidence: stand up straight, look people in the eye, and relax.
2. Use a firm, but pleasant, tone.
3. Don’t assume you know what the other person’s motives are, especially if you think they’re negative.
4. When in a discussion, don’t forget to listen and ask questions! It’s important to understand the other person’s point of view as well.
5. Try to think win-win: see if you can find a compromise or a way for you both get your needs met.
MY THOUGTHS
Dealing with negative behavior is very challenging. Instead of backing off and not saying anything, developing communication skills to be assertive will eventually lead to improved behavior and improved relationships. Diplomacy is the key. When we develop our assertive communication skills, we become constructive instead of constructive.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Developing Communication Skills on your own
Developing Coomunication Skills
Q 161: How to sharpen communication skills?
August 20, 3:49 PMDallas Business Commentary Examiner Robert Morris
Read Examiner.com's terms of use.
John Baldoni is a leadership consultant, coach, and speaker. His work centers on how leaders can use their authority, communications and presence to build trust and drive results. He is the author of six books on leadership, including Lead By Example: 50 Ways Great Leaders Inspire Results. In a recent posting at the Harvard Business Publishing blog, he suggests five ways to sharpen communication skills:
1. Know the fundamentals. Express yourself well verbally, as well as on paper or through email. Failure to communicate coherently leaves people unsure of what is expected of them.
2. Think clearly about what you will say. Many are critical of PowerPoint because bullet points without a "subject, a verb and an object" do not convey "complete thoughts." With PowerPoint itself is not the problem; executives who use it as a short-hand for thinking are. Too many managers use it to sketch out thoughts rather than flesh them out.
3. Prepare for meetings. Documents for meetings should be distributed in advance and made clear and concise. All meetings should start on time. That's all part of the preparation process. So often meetings go off track before they begin because managers and employees do not take the time to think about what they will say before they say it.
4. Engage in discussion. Encourage debate. You need to hear everybody's perspective, so you must ask more questions than make statements. All too often, either due to the press of time or perhaps a feeling of over-importance, executives do not make it clear that they want to hear alternate points of view. Such an approach leads to "groupthink" because no one speaks up.
5. Listen to others. Discussions are meaningless if no one is listening. Anderson does not like to see his managers checking their BlackBerrys in meetings. Doing so shows lack of focus and is akin to reading a newspaper during the meeting. As little as we may tend to concentrate on improving oral and written skills, we spend even less time (if any) on improving listening skills. For that reason, too many managers end up ill-informed and, in turn, ill-prepared to deal with issues that subsequently morph into problems. Time spent listening might have headed off such disasters.
* * * * *
Here is a link to the Harvard Business Publishing blog:
http://blogs.harvardbusiness.org/
WHAT I HAVE TO SAY
Developing communication skills is essential!When we do not spend time developing our communication skills, so many great ideas get lost in the communication process. If we don't spend time developing our communication skills, we will have difficulty giving and receiving messages. When this happens, we will also have difficulty in our relationships both at home and at work. This article have 5 helpful tips. start with this then go and look for other tips on developing communication skills
Q 161: How to sharpen communication skills?
August 20, 3:49 PMDallas Business Commentary Examiner Robert Morris
Read Examiner.com's terms of use.
John Baldoni is a leadership consultant, coach, and speaker. His work centers on how leaders can use their authority, communications and presence to build trust and drive results. He is the author of six books on leadership, including Lead By Example: 50 Ways Great Leaders Inspire Results. In a recent posting at the Harvard Business Publishing blog, he suggests five ways to sharpen communication skills:
1. Know the fundamentals. Express yourself well verbally, as well as on paper or through email. Failure to communicate coherently leaves people unsure of what is expected of them.
2. Think clearly about what you will say. Many are critical of PowerPoint because bullet points without a "subject, a verb and an object" do not convey "complete thoughts." With PowerPoint itself is not the problem; executives who use it as a short-hand for thinking are. Too many managers use it to sketch out thoughts rather than flesh them out.
3. Prepare for meetings. Documents for meetings should be distributed in advance and made clear and concise. All meetings should start on time. That's all part of the preparation process. So often meetings go off track before they begin because managers and employees do not take the time to think about what they will say before they say it.
4. Engage in discussion. Encourage debate. You need to hear everybody's perspective, so you must ask more questions than make statements. All too often, either due to the press of time or perhaps a feeling of over-importance, executives do not make it clear that they want to hear alternate points of view. Such an approach leads to "groupthink" because no one speaks up.
5. Listen to others. Discussions are meaningless if no one is listening. Anderson does not like to see his managers checking their BlackBerrys in meetings. Doing so shows lack of focus and is akin to reading a newspaper during the meeting. As little as we may tend to concentrate on improving oral and written skills, we spend even less time (if any) on improving listening skills. For that reason, too many managers end up ill-informed and, in turn, ill-prepared to deal with issues that subsequently morph into problems. Time spent listening might have headed off such disasters.
* * * * *
Here is a link to the Harvard Business Publishing blog:
http://blogs.harvardbusiness.org/
WHAT I HAVE TO SAY
Developing communication skills is essential!When we do not spend time developing our communication skills, so many great ideas get lost in the communication process. If we don't spend time developing our communication skills, we will have difficulty giving and receiving messages. When this happens, we will also have difficulty in our relationships both at home and at work. This article have 5 helpful tips. start with this then go and look for other tips on developing communication skills
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